Dear Goldy,
Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t believe someone should introduce the person they’re dating to family and friends until it’s established the relationship is going somewhere—or even wait until after the engagement. Why bother meeting and getting to know people if the relationship fizzles quickly? That’s what makes meeting the other person’s circle of friends and family all the more special, because then you know you will all be a part of each other’s lives for years to come.
A few months ago, I was taken to a surprise party for my date’s friend. He told me he got the date of the party mixed up and only realized it after we had made plans. Instead of rescheduling the date, which I would’ve understood, he took me to the party. We stayed for an hour and then left to continue our date by ourselves. I didn’t give it too much thought. But then last week, the guy that I’ve been dating for a few weeks brought me to his friends’ house for pizza and game night. It was married couples and a few singles. They were a nice group of people. I didn’t feel too out of place. I had a lot in common with some of them. It was a fun evening, but now this was a planned date where I was meeting his friends.
I can’t say that I would have said no if he had asked me about it beforehand, but I think it’s a little premature of him to introduce me to his friends. What if his friends didn’t like me and one of them started telling him how I’m not the one for him or something like that? Maybe I would’ve worn something different if I knew we were spending the evening with his friends—who knows.
I’d just prefer it to be me and the person I’m dating until something is official.
I’m asking you—this is the second time in a not-so-long span that this has happened. Obviously, things didn’t work out with the guy I went to the party with. His friends were nice. I’m not torn up over it. But now I wonder if it was really a mix-up of dates or if he wanted to date me and go to the party on the same night.
What do you think?
Atara
Thank you for the email, Atara.
I guess I’m old-school like you are. I don’t believe in meeting friends and family of the person you’re dating until things are made official. If it’s an accidental run-in when you’re in the street or at a venue, that’s one thing. Planning an evening to include your date and your friend group? That’s something totally different.
I remember a few times in my life when I was introduced to a young woman/man that someone I knew was dating. It was a planned meeting, not just by happenstance. Then, a few weeks or months later—POOF!—they’re gone. I feel bad for the person who knew she/he was going to meet important people in the life of the person they’re dating and prepared for it, and now they are gone with the wind.
I could be reading too much into it—or not. But this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of someone being introduced to a close circle almost as soon as the “relationship” begins. Not to be rude, but don’t waste my time introducing me to someone if you’re not sure he/she will stick around.
Men and women approach dating differently and think differently. I asked some men about this—young men who are still in or were just in the dating parshah. Most of them didn’t see it as a big deal to introduce the girl they’re dating to people they’re close with. A couple said they’d rather keep their private lives quiet, but the overwhelming response was, “So what? Eventually they’ll meet. I’m supposed to marry her—why not now?” I only found a few women who agreed with this way of thinking. The others thought more along the lines that we do—wait until there is something to say, until you know you will be a part of these people’s lives for decades to come.
Some women said it was because they like to keep things private, and more than a few said they didn’t want friends to start talking about them when they weren’t around and maybe giving their friend unsolicited advice, which is like you wrote: “Break up with her.” If it’s not meant to be, that’s fine. But they don’t need a friend or cousin helping him “see the light” that she isn’t his bashert because maybe she didn’t make the best impression on that person. But now that person is saying things that will end up affecting the rest of her life.
I was surprised to hear some responses of, “It’s no big deal, life is short, get it all in when you can.” When asked for further explanation, I was told that people only have a certain amount of “free time.” Now they’re asked to split their hours between a new person—who they may not end up liking—and their friends and family, who they know they like and want to spend time with.
The person said time is precious. We all have to sink or swim in any type of situation. It shows him what the girl can handle, and it lets him have a good time with his friends, too. It never even dawned on him that the friends could talk him out of continuing to date someone. He said he had his own mind and thoughts. He was bringing the woman around not for approval, but because he wanted to spend time with everyone. It was killing two birds with one stone. If you think about it—which I did—his answer made sense for him. He got what he wanted: time with the girl and time with friends.
Think about how much “free time” you really have, and then weigh the option of going on a second or third date with someone you think you may like or going to your friend’s party. You can’t do both—but can you? This was the exact scenario my sister was in when she was dating. My mother z”l told her that she had to choose (obviously my sister would not bring a date to an all-girls party). My sister chose her friends, which told her that she wasn’t as “in like” as much as she thought she was with the one she was dating, because she’d rather be with her friends than go on another date with him—and this was beyond the fifth or sixth date.
Times change. Maybe my mother was right back then. Maybe the fellow who introduced me to this train of thought is right with the new rules of today’s world. Let’s not forget, my sister’s situation was over 25 years ago. Things are acceptable now that weren’t back then, and vice versa.
I find this idea of “getting two activities accomplished in one shot” lazy. Make a decision. Give up something. Can you really concentrate on your date if you’re surrounded by your friends and joking around? It gives your date insight into how you really act with your friends—not the façade everyone puts on when they’re out with someone—but is it fair to the person you’re with?
It may be a generational thing. People in their twenties aren’t making decisions like people in their twenties were 30 years ago. They want their cake and to eat it too. They can’t choose one thing because they want both. It’s part of adulting—choosing something you’re prioritizing over something else you may want.
Those are just my thoughts on the matter.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..