Dear Goldy,

Tell me if I’m worried for nothing or if I should say something—and if I should say something, then to whom? My son is engaged to a beautiful, wonderful girl. This issue came to be a month ago. I let it go, but now, I’m starting to wonder. I don’t want to sound like a typical shvigar or to put my nose into something I have no business doing. I decided to write you.

The wedding is in seven weeks. It’s not a bank-breaking wedding. Just an average, very nice wedding—250 guests, rented a hall, catered... Nobody lost their heads planning and paying for the wedding. My son has a good job and has been at the same firm for the last five years. He is on track to have a good future with the company and earn a salary that many would want. His kallah has worked at her company for the past few years and suddenly, she was laid off along with a few other people in her department. I guess it was budget issues—I didn’t ask too many questions, but I wanted to. If it was me, I’d have a pity party for a week or so, but then I’d get right back on the job hunt. The more time spent not working, the more questions future employers will ask in interviews.

But my soon-to-be daughter-in-law isn’t me, and maybe it’s a generational thing, but my son told me that she is putting off looking for a job until after sheva brachos. Right now, she’s all wrapped up in wedding plans and soon will have fittings... But everyone I know was able to work and plan their wedding at the same time. It was a hectic time, but they did it. The wedding is seven weeks away—more than enough time to find and begin working at a new job, and I’m sure the new bosses will understand that she will need a week off. It’s not like she’s going on job interviews seven months pregnant, where new bosses will know she’ll work for a month and then take off for two months. I would think employers would be understanding about this and her situation; she wasn’t fired for not performing or bad behavior, a few people were laid off.

This idea of the kallah waiting until after the wedding is not sitting well with me or my husband. There is no reason why a girl in her upper twenties needs to take time off from working for two months to plan her wedding. People multitask. She’s young and should be out there working. What if she gets used to not working? How motivated will she be to go job hunting after sheva brachos? Then life gets really busy, as we all know. I’m afraid she’ll keep pushing it off because it’ll never be a good time to look for a job. But now is a good time. She is still in “employee mode,” and it’ll look fresh on her resume... I spoke to my son and he said that they discussed this.

He told me that his kallah would rather do things like this so life doesn’t get overwhelming, because she’d have new responsibilities at a new job and have to adjust how she works to her new employer’s expectations, and she doesn’t think she can do that while nervous about the wedding and all the planning involved. Again, maybe it’s a generational thing. I don’t see an issue. It’s not as if she’s changing careers from teacher to accountant. Isn’t this the time to work and earn money because you’ll be paying your own rent and bills?

We enter new phases of life all the time. If she can’t handle this and working, how will she be able to handle being pregnant and working—with morning sickness—or having kids and working or not working... Life is always changing. I told my son to urge her to start looking for a job because it may take some time to find something she likes, but he said he is respecting her decision, and they had spoken about this and he supports the decision.

The wedding is two months away! A 28-year-old, fully able and capable working woman shouldn’t spend her days talking about flowers, colors, and satin. It isn’t realistic or healthy. Get right back on the job-hunting wagon. My husband and I don’t like this. Should I say something to my son again or have a talk with her mother? Bring it up at a lunch I’d invite her to and ask what she thought about her daughter’s plan?

Not That Type of Shvigar

 

Thank you for your email, NTTS.

I know you don’t want to hear it, but if you say anything to your soon-to-be machatainesta, you will be that type of shvigar. I’m even thinking that writing this email makes you that type of mother-in-law. Your heart and mind are in the right place. You only want what’s best for your son and his kallah. You’re right in thinking that employers wonder about a large gap between jobs. But then again, you’re not your son or his kallah.

Maybe it is a generational thing. I think I would do the same thing. I’d lick my wounds for a week or so and then start looking for a new job while planning my wedding. It may be easier to plan interviews now. She may like the new life she is living, and when she becomes a wife, she may find life too busy to start going out and looking for a job, and then learning the ropes at a new place plus learning the ropes as a new wife.

But what you didn’t mention, or maybe didn’t think of, is: maybe your soon-to-be daughter-in-law isn’t good at multitasking. Some people aren’t. Does anxiety plague her? Do you know enough about the kallah to know how she deals with anxiety and life when she feels overwhelmed? Probably not. You wrote that your son said that he and his kallah had this discussion. He may not have told you all the details discussed. Your son (and his kallah) is smart and knows bills are in the future and is aware two salaries are better than one when paying bills. But there is a reason why he has agreed to his kallah’s decision. Or maybe he didn’t so much agree to it, but the discussion ended with the fact that she will begin looking for a job after sheva brachos.

True, going on interviews now and explaining to new employers that you’ll be needing a week or more off in the first few months isn’t like saying you’ll need maternity leave, but employers may not love the idea. Usually, PTO (paid time off) isn’t offered in the first six months or sometimes the first year, depending on the company. Two months isn’t taking off six months. And we both know, sheva brachos isn’t like taking a week in the Bahamas. Usually, after sheva brachos is when the couple needs the break because they are busy during that week—going to bed late, and days full of shopping and toiveling every dish, piece of silverware, and glass (or at least that’s what I was doing). Plus, she’d probably be taking a work call once a day. Today is not a time when we can just drop our job and responsibilities for a week without responding to emails or making a call or two.

I remember leaving a meeting in downtown Manhattan early because I had an appointment to meet with the florist. That was the only time the florist had to meet that week. I remember taking the wrong train and then spending half an hour getting to the right train and taking it all the way to Queens. It was a very hectic, anxiety-ridden two hours for me. And then I had to morph into “kallah” and be happy, giggly, and relaxed while talking about peonies. The young woman may not be able to handle all of these life-changing changes (plus how well has she taken to being laid off) at the same time—new job, new life. She may need time. I’m not saying how long she will need for her to get back on the job hunt because we are all different, but let her take the time she needs. A happy kallah also means a happy life to the chosson. You don’t want a Bridezilla, but you also don’t want an anxiety-ridden kallah.

You told your son how you felt. He told you what he and his kallah decided. End of discussion. You did what you were able to do. Do not go and call her mother to “meet for lunch” and have this just happen to pop up in conversation. You really don’t know the kallah or her mother that well yet to have such a discussion. Finances are an issue to worry about, but you also want to be in a healthy mental state in order to work.

It may be hard, but stay out of it.

Hatzlachah to you all.

Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..