Dear Goldy,
I’m in my upper 30s and have been dating for a long time. Your articles have actually helped me through some situations I’ve gotten into.
Now, I have a question. I won’t say that I’m seeing a theme in the several men I’ve dated, but it’s happened with more than a few: when they want to take the relationship from nothing to “in love” in a matter of a few dates. Developing feelings for someone takes time, doesn’t it? I don’t know if I believe in love at first sight, but so far it hasn’t happened to me. I don’t think I’m different than anyone else. Don’t you need time to get to know someone to know what type of feelings you have for them? The more you know and like about them, the more attractive the whole package is. Like you have written, looks only last so long (Judge Judy adds, “Dumb is forever”). The more I get to know the man, the more I know if I want to continue dating him or not. I can’t go from not even knowing his name or anything about him a couple of weeks ago to professing my feelings to him weeks later. Him saying, “I really like you. This could be special.” Someone actually said that to me on the third date. Third date! He doesn’t even know all there is to know about me and he’s saying this! He started talking about “our” future. It’s the level of comfortability I can’t get to in a short amount of time. And a few of the last men I’ve dated have acted like this.
Yes, I date men in their 40s and 50s. I date divorced men, widowers, never-been-engaged men... It’s not just the men that haven’t been married before acting like this. It’s divorced men too. So the excuse, “They just want to get married,” and other things my friends have said about them isn’t true.
All through yeshiva and even in colleges, men and women—or should I say boys and girls—are taught not to play or interact with the opposite sex, and now we are thrown into the shidduch pool telling us: do what we told you not to do; get to know them, open up to them, and then decide if you want to marry them. Good luck. I know there’s more to it than that, but I’m just trying to shorten the whole thing. Maybe some of these men don’t know how to properly act in the beginning of a relationship and how to get to know a woman without coming on too strong and therefore scaring me off. The more a man tries too hard to get to know me, the more I find myself shutting down.
I just think it takes time to like and love someone. Yes, after the third date I’m able to say, “I like spending time with ___ and I’d like to keep on dating him.” But to say I “like” him? Like, “really like” him? It hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know all there is to know about the man to know if I like him. Why are some men rushing the process? When I told one man that I needed more time and asked if we can just see how things go and let it happen or not happen on its own, he thought I was nuts. I’ve heard men have biological clocks and some may be wanting to have children soon—although their age isn’t as important as a woman’s age regarding procreation because a man can become a father in his 80s. Even men with children of their own act like this. It’s more like I see what I want, so I’ll take it now and seal the deal by moving fast and getting into a relationship and marrying her. It’s almost dizzying.
Not all men are like this, but I’ve dated enough in the last year to see that it’s not just one or two. Is this a trend? Am I wrong for not feeling “it” so soon?
Leora
Thank you for your email, Leora.
It’s like someone put this out in the universe because I was speaking to a single friend I know about this a couple of weeks ago. She’s in her forties and said she’s finding that men want to move the relationship along much faster than she does and she feels pressured to make a decision about wanting to be with them before she would normally make such a decision. Your letter came at the right time.
I don’t want to say this is a trend, theme, or that it’s only applicable to men. I know some women that were eager to fall in love and marry. Maybe they were in love with falling in love—maybe these men are too. Who knows? But what I do know is that you should not feel pressured to move a relationship along that you may be having doubts about. I’m not saying “doubts” in a negative way, just that you feel pressured to decide and nature hasn’t taken its course.
You’re right by saying that it takes time to get to know a person. Even longer to let your guard down and open your heart to them. No one wants to get hurt or feel like a fool if the relationship doesn’t work out. Your way of thinking is not crazy.
Yes, men also have a biological clock. I believe I wrote about that a couple of years ago. Some men want to be a dad now! But that doesn’t mean rushing a relationship or pressuring the woman they’re dating. And vice versa for women. You may want to be a Mommy, but don’t you want to wait for Mr. Right and the right daddy and not rush it and have things end badly because you didn’t take the time to really get to know someone? But you’re saying that men who already have children are taking things from zero to sixty in two dates? I have no answer for you other than what you may be thinking—and this is a family paper and I will not write or address that here.
Men and women think and date differently.
People want to share their lives with others. No one enjoys being alone. Humans are social beings. Nothing is wrong with wanting to be in a relationship with someone—as long as both parties are in agreement and want to be with each other. Maybe these men are more vocal about wanting to be in a relationship with you than others have been. But you need to feel the same way. If asking them to take it slower makes them question you, then maybe this isn’t your Mr. Right. Your Mr. Right will give you the time to decide and won’t rush it.
For all of those saying, “Go ahead. Take a chance on love. Jump into it.” I say, “This isn’t a movie!” We are talking about people’s lives. You don’t want to “take the chance” and have it not work out and have things end badly—by then other family members may become involved, and it isn’t just the two people in the relationship that will feel the ripple effects.
I think I may be straying a little from my point. Leora, take your time. Let the feelings develop as they will. By date number three, you may be able to know if you want a date four or if you want to set this one free—but it’s okay not to commit to him until you feel ready. There are no rules for how many dates it takes until _____ happens. You’re right. Let it happen naturally. Don’t rush it because even if you want a relationship with this person, you may question if you feel that way because he is doing all the right things to sweep you off your feet or if this is genuinely what you are feeling.
I have a friend I have written about many times. I refer to him as Charlie. Charlie is in his mid-fifties. He’s decided to stop looking for love and to stop dating. He went the shidduch dating way for over three decades. He felt the pressure every day. Right now, he’s happy not being on the hunt for love, but if it should come across his way, he will welcome it. I can assure you with 100% certainty that when Charlie developed feelings for a woman he dated (and he did a few times—he almost proposed to a woman once), he did not pressure her in any way. He was a gentleman in every way. He believes love (and like) takes time. These men may be in a rush or they may really like you and want to move the process along by getting straight to the point. I don’t know. But stick to your guns. Don’t feel pressured to decide anything before you are ready to. And if you do feel those happy little butterflies in your tummy after dating someone only a few times, then go with it. Follow it. You don’t have to rush it. When it’s right, it’s right, and things will unfold as Hashem wants it to.
This advice is for everyone reading this article.
Hatzlachah to you all!
A little P.S. here for those who like the “Dating Today” column: Stay tuned, you may be able to get more Goldy Krantz in your life in the coming months. Things are happening behind the scenes and it’s all because of and for my readers.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..