I know the title for this article may seem odd, but it really is a perfect fit. Many years ago when I was working, I had an 18-year-old very cute and spunky support staff member—aka receptionist. She was right out of high school and starting to date. She was full of excitement and hope. When there was a lull in the work, we did what happens in all offices: my staff and I started talking. And what else is there to speak about when there are four single young women working in a frum office? You speak about dating.
At this point in life, I had been dating for about eight years. I had almost seen and been through it all. There were two other young women there in the shidduch dating pool trying to stay afloat. Then there was my support staff. I’ll never forget what she said, only because it was cute and innocent. She said, “I want to marry someone who will hold my hair when I’m sick and throwing up.” I think we all want that—someone who will care for us when we’re sick, check in on us to see if we need anything. But life doesn’t always work out that way. I lost touch with my support staff, but I do know that she did in fact get married. I hope she got the exact type of fellow she wanted, but I know one thing—it wasn’t the fellow that this girl wrote about.
Dear Goldy,
I’ve dated for years and thought I’ve dated every type of guy there was, but that was until last week.
I was on a second date with this guy, Avi. Everything was going well. He was decent-looking, seemed to have a good personality. Our first date was fun, and up until that moment, our second date was going well. But then a heat wave rolled over me. Out of nowhere, I felt very hot and clammy. My head started to hurt. I excused myself and went to the restroom. I splashed water on my face, took a few deep breaths, and threw up. I thought that was it—just a weird ten-minute bug that was in my system. I splashed more water on my face, washed my mouth out, took breaths. But I felt better than I had moments earlier. When I really thought I was okay, I went out and rejoined Avi. He asked me if I was feeling better because apparently, I lost all color in my face, according to him. I told him I had a little episode in the bathroom, but I was good to go. Conversation and activities continued.
I guess I wasn’t as good as I thought because I soon felt nauseous again. I excused myself again and had another short “episode” in the restroom. I knew I couldn’t continue with the date. I could have a bug; this could happen again in ten minutes or half an hour or not at all. I had no idea where this came from. I had been feeling great prior to feeling horrible. When I rejoined Avi this time, I told him I wasn’t feeling well and asked if he wouldn’t mind ending the date early. Maybe it was a hallucination due to my not feeling well, but I thought he looked put out, as if I planned on being sick and ruining the date.
He told me to sit and to take a drink of water. I did, but again, I didn’t want to risk this happening again. And to tell you the truth, at this point I wanted to climb into bed. My date, I’ll call him Avi, told me just to relax and “take it easy.” I did. After a few minutes, I told him that I thought I needed to go home. I apologized for ending the date like this, but I wasn’t feeling like this a few hours ago. Avi asked me if I had been feeling this a few hours ago, would I have canceled the date? What? I just told him I would have. Avi said I should stay put and he’ll be back in a few minutes. He then walked away. I guessed he was going to pay the bill and to get our coats.
When Avi returned he said my Uber would be arriving in four minutes. What? I asked him why he ordered an Uber. Even in my sickly state, I’ll never forget what he said: “It’s my dad’s car. I can’t have you throwing up in it. So I ordered you an Uber.” I couldn’t believe it. Avi wasn’t even going to drive me home? He was sending me home in a car with a stranger? He didn’t even help me get my coat on—I was sick. I wasn’t thinking of him being anything else but nice, and helping me on with my coat at that point would have been nice because now my head was pounding and I got so tired.
Avi walked me outside, where the fresh air helped me feel better. When my car arrived, he said good night and hoped I felt better and not to worry about ending the date early, “things like this happen.” I wasn’t in the mood to talk, let alone answer him. “Don’t feel bad about ending the date early? Things like this happen?” I’m a nice person. If the situation were reversed, I would have driven Avi home in his father’s car and then I would have called my own Uber to take me home. I wouldn’t have made him go home with a stranger—was it to protect his father’s car interior in case I threw up again? Way to go, Avi, you know how to care for your fellow human being.
The Uber driver was very kind. He saw I wasn’t feeling well and gave me a plastic bag in case I had to throw up, and he opened the window in twenty-degree weather because he too thought fresh air would help. He offered me a bottle of water. Every now and then he’d say, “It’s ok. You be ok. Don’t worry.” I dry-heaved a couple of times into the plastic bag, but I was empty; nothing left to come out. But the driver just kept saying, “You be ok. Don’t worry.” When we got to my house, he even came round and opened the door for me. He was a nice, decent human person.
Goldy, I got home and crawled into bed. I had a 24-hour bug. I felt awful. And then I woke up from a nap the next day and felt better. When I finally got around to calling the shadchan back, she said that Avi wasn’t sure about me and needed time to think. She didn’t have an answer for me. But I had one for her. I told her I was sick, that Avi ordered me an Uber instead of driving me home... and he doesn’t even know if he wants to go out again because I got sick? Doesn’t he ever get sick? Well, I didn’t want to go out with him again. Let’s say we get married—would he leave me high and dry when I had morning sickness? Or what about if I did get the flu, would he just leave me high and dry and not call to check on me every few hours? No, Avi was not for me. I’m not sorry to say that I need someone who shows a little TLC.
Chavie
Thanks for your email, Chavie. And I’m glad you’re feeling better.
I guess you can consider yourself lucky for seeing Avi’s true colors early on and not falling for him and then realizing he’d leave you in the street sick as a dog as long as his daddy’s car interior was kept clean. I think his father would have understood if you got sick in the car. He’s a father; I’m sure his kids (like Avi) threw up dozens of times and many times didn’t make it to the toilet in time.
Nothing to be sorry about wanting someone who shows a little more—or in this case, any—TLC. I’m the same way. Check on me when I’m sick. Bring me Tylenol if I need it. Nothing too much to ask for, right? I would check on my parents and sister every half an hour while growing up when they were sick. I held the bucket for my sister to throw up in when she was twenty and also caught a 24-hour bug—I also attended her college course for her the next day to take notes for her, so she wouldn’t fall behind. But that’s just me and who I am.
Maybe Avi’s a nice person but doesn’t know what to do in times of stress or pressure. He wouldn’t be the one to call if there was an emergency. Some people aren’t that person. Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing by calling you an Uber. He did say not to feel bad about ending the date early—as if you had a choice in the matter. But you never wrote if Avi opened the door for you when you got into the Uber... that makes me wonder. And was the reason for him not giving the shadchan a definitive answer because you got sick? Did the shadchan know any of the story? You said you told it to the shadchan, but did Avi mention anything to her/him?
I hope that Avi is kinder to the woman he marries when she doesn’t feel well and doesn’t leave her on her own with the flu or morning sickness. Maybe Avi felt it was too new or early in the relationship to do anything more than what he did for you? I don’t know; I’m just trying to make sense of this. I’m going to try and give Avi the benefit of the doubt, but caring for a sick person you’re with shouldn’t be that hard. But who knows.
Like I said, it seems that you dodged a bullet here. But I don’t know Avi or all the facts or what he was thinking. Sometimes you see the true colors of someone and they aren’t the vibrant happy colors you thought they’d be.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..