A few years ago, I wrote an article about trying to help a divorced Kohen with four children. Long story short: I met him while eating a Shabbos meal at my husband’s friend’s home. My husband’s friend kept insisting that I try to help “Steve.” Steve is a nice guy, gives every “girl” a chance, wants to get married again, is a great guy...
No matter how many times I tried to tell both Steve and my husband’s friend that I’m not a shadchan, they kept insisting that I “must know one girl for him to date.” I felt bad for Steve and after a couple of days thought of two women to set him up with. I spoke with one of the women, told her Steve’s background and what he’s looking for. She didn’t bat an eyelash even when I mentioned “divorced with 4 children.” Steve rejected the “girl” (he called everyone “girl”) because he found a common friend they shared. While he liked how she looked (on social media) and the friend only had good things to say about the “girl,” the friend also felt that the match wouldn’t work. So Steve turned down a date with a woman he found attractive because a common friend (from social media) had only good things to say about her but didn’t think it was a match. Yup, that made sense. I didn’t even call the other woman I thought of, in case he would reject her too—now I saw that Steve didn’t give everyone a chance. I told Steve about her, knowing she wouldn’t mind that he was divorced with children. And wouldn’t you know it, Steve called back an hour later telling me that he didn’t like her hairstyle in the pictures on her social media pages and didn’t think someone like her could understand him or where he’s coming from. What?!
At this point I told Steve that I didn’t know what to do or tell him. Here he told me he gives everyone a chance, yet he just shot down two women who would want to date him for non-concrete reasons. If you want to get married, then you have to date and be willing to put yourself out there and share some of yourself with another person to see if it’s a match. But here Steve was acting like he was the only one with a past and didn’t want to try again—so why did he and my husband’s friend wear me down and keep asking me to set Steve up? I was honest with Steve: I told him he was a hard sell—45 years old, divorced Kohen with 4 children and very specific prerequisites the girl he dated must have. I was able to find him two women and he turned them down for anything but concrete reasons. I titled the article “Do You Even Know What You Want?” I didn’t think Steve did. And Steve is one of the reasons I’m not a shadchan. I didn’t—and don’t—know how to deal with someone like him.
Well, guess who called me a few weeks ago? Steve. He even asked if I remembered him. How could I forget? He asked me about the first woman I had suggested to him years ago. Excuse me? This was the woman he shared a common friend with—if he really did, why didn’t he speak with the friend or look her up on social media in the past years? He would see that she is married and a mother now. He seemed disappointed. I reminded him of what he responded the first time I spoke with him about her, years ago. He seemed confused and said that he sees he may have rejected some “girls” for reasons that aren’t applicable anymore. He actually said that. And now he was willing to try what he wasn’t willing to try years ago.
Huh? I didn’t know Steve at all. We had met at that one meal years ago. He sounded like he didn’t know what he wanted then and still sounded confused now. He had to call me—not his friend and not look the woman up on social media—to find out she has moved on to another chapter in her life? Before he was able to ask about the second woman I had suggested to him, I told him that she too has gotten married. Steve said he was trying to get his life back on track and looking back he knows he made wrong decisions when it came to dating. He wanted to go back and try what he wasn’t willing to try before.
This was great. Steve was having an Oprah moment, as some people call it. He realized he turned down dates with wonderful women for flimsy reasons. The years have now passed, and he’s still alone. But the problem is, just because he has his moment of enlightenment doesn’t mean the rest of the world had it too. The women moved on. He can’t ask for a redo years later. With some aspects of life, a redo can work and does work. Dating can be one of those aspects. How many couples have we heard went out a time or two, broke it off, and then months or years later were able to pick it back up and have their happily ever after? But this wasn’t Steve. He never dated these women. He had heard about them from a stranger and rejected them without having a conversation with them or even thinking about it for more than a few hours. Now he’s calling the stranger and asking about the women she only told him about, disappointed they moved on and didn’t wait for him? Steve told me he realized his head was too mixed up with the superficial and he put that in front of what really should have counted. Now that he’s going back and reconnecting with shadchanim, he was finding that there weren’t many girls out there for him to date because he is now a 51-year-old Kohen, divorced twice, with four kids.
Yes, you read correctly. Steve slipped into our conversation that a couple of years ago, he met someone and thought this was his bashert, only to divorce a few months after they married. This story was getting better—or should I say worse. Steve buried the lede: that he had been married and divorced since we last spoke.
Steve still saw himself as a catch—and he is one. He has a lot of ma’alos, but because of his Kohen status and now his age, he was limited to those who were interested in marrying him. He even said that he was willing to marry younger girls who couldn’t have their own kids because he has 4 of his own, but younger girls weren’t interested in him... I could go on and on about what Steve told me, but I won’t. I want to get to the life lesson.
The lesson to take away is: Don’t be so quick to say no to a shidduch if the reason isn’t concrete. You can say no because you aren’t attracted to the person or don’t think the person is your type... but Steve said no to many people (I later found out) thinking the next one will be better. The clock has kept ticking, years have passed, and he isn’t the best catch in the shidduch dating pool. He’s feeling the regret of his past decisions. He knows he was a hard person to find a shidduch for and the fact that I found two really made him happy—but he thought, if she found two right away, there’s gotta be more... And now here we are. Steve asked if I could help him again. I told him that I can’t and won’t. First, my life is in a place where I don’t have the time to invest in giving my total attention to singles and vetting who I think would be suitable for them to date. Second, I don’t know what would happen if I did find someone for Steve—not that I know anyone offhand, but how do I know he won’t turn back into the old Steve and reject a shidduch for whatever reason he feels like.
I want to help singles. But I want to help singles who also want to help themselves—those who know what they want and go after it. I still don’t know if Steve knows what he wants. The more he spoke, the more in circles he seemed to go. He’s seeing a therapist and is reflecting on poor decisions and trying to go back in time. But like I said, people don’t wait. Time and people move on and go forward. I don’t care how old you are—20, 30, 50... You may start out thinking dating is a game and fun. You can pick and choose whomever you like... But this is real life. Your life. Just make sure the decisions you make now are for the right reasons because you don’t want to look back (like Steve) and regret so much but aren’t able to turn back the clock.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..