Here I go again…
I have been asked via email and in person when it is the right time to check whether the person you’re being redt to or are already dating is compatible with you—regarding Tay-Sachs or other genetic disorders.
For those of you unaware of what Tay-Sachs disease is, a very brief explanation provided by my friend Google is: “Tay-Sachs disease is a rare, inherited neurological disorder in which a missing enzyme (Hex-A) causes fatty substances (GM2 gangliosides) to build up in the brain and nerve cells, destroying them and leading to severe physical and mental decline. Symptoms, varying by form (infantile, juvenile, late-onset), include developmental delays, seizures, vision and hearing loss, paralysis, and cognitive issues, with death often occurring in early childhood for the infantile form, though milder adult forms exist. It is caused by gene mutations, most common in people of Ashkenazi Jewish descent, and requires both parents to be carriers.”
Feel free to do more extensive research on this disease if you choose.
Read the last sentence of the explanation again: a child can have the disease only if both parents are carriers.
Now, with that introduction, let’s get to the email.
Dear Goldy,
I’m new to dating. I’m only nineteen. When I got home from seminary, my mom said she had already been getting calls about me from shadchanim. I asked her to wait so I could settle back in, figure out what I want to do with my life, and wrap my head around the idea that I am now in the parshah. This is my time to do what my sisters have done, what I’ve heard talked about and read about.
I’ve only gone out with a few guys. I’ve never been on a fourth date, but I’m okay with that. I’m nineteen—still plenty of time and fish in the sea. I’m writing to you because I was just redt to someone, but the shadchan said he wants the number I was assigned when I took the Tay-Sachs blood test. The question shocked me. I don’t even know this guy—I know nothing about him. He knows what the shadchan told him about me, and already he wants the number? Isn’t it too soon? I feel like that’s a very forward question to ask.
I spoke with my friends. One said that it was a smart idea to check numbers right away. This way, heartache can be avoided if we go out, like each other, and then take the test and find out we aren’t compatible—meaning we are both carriers of the gene. Another friend said it was moving too fast: “First see if you even like each other. Why bother if you both don’t want a second date?” I can see the logic in both answers, so I asked my parents. They said that when it came to my sisters and shidduchim, only when things got “serious” with whomever my sisters were dating did they check compatibility.
What do you think?
Faiga
Thank you for your email, Faiga.
Checking for genetic compatibility is important—very important. But when to check—that’s a personal decision.
I remember being told we were given blood tests and assigned numbers in high school, but I don’t remember doing it. I have no memory of this even being discussed in high school, let alone having a phlebotomist or nurse draw my blood and receiving a number. Back then, my memory was excellent—not so much now. I must have been out that day. I spoke with a classmate when I began dating and asked her if she had taken the blood test. That’s when she told me about having it done in school. To this day, I still can’t remember. Luckily, I was able to get a local physician to draw my blood, send the sample to the lab, and I was assigned a number.
Getting tested is so important. Not only does the lab test the blood for the Tay-Sachs enzyme or gene, but it also screens the blood for dozens of other diseases and illnesses. Tay-Sachs is one hundred percent fatal. There is no cure. Children who are born and diagnosed with Tay-Sachs are very sick and suffer. From what I had been told, children pass away from the disease before they reach the age of eight or nine, but in researching this article I found that a child can live until the mid-teens. I really do not want to write or say any more about this genetic illness, as it is a very sensitive topic for many, and there are a few families in the Queens area who have been affected by this horrible disease.
The question I was asked was when to check whether you and the person you’re dating—or will date—are genetically compatible, if there is a risk that both of you are carriers of a gene or enzyme that could affect the children you may have should you marry. I’ll say it again: it’s a personal decision.
People want to guard their hearts from heartbreak and loss should they date, like each other, start planning a life together, only to find out they are both carrying the gene for Tay-Sachs or another disease. There have been cases in which a couple found out they both carried the gene yet took the risk and married. Unfortunately, their children were born with Tay-Sachs. Again, I am not here to judge or to preach.
In all my years of dating, I was only asked once by a shadchan for my number before “the boy” would agree to date me. Yes, I thought it was odd at the time, but I wasn’t as educated about Tay-Sachs or other genetic disorders as I am now. Looking back, I think it was odd that in the twelve years I dated, and with the number of men I went out with, only one asked beforehand. Maybe today people are more aware and educated about genetic disorders and illnesses. That’s a good thing. Maybe it’s spoken about more—again, another good thing.
Faiga (and readers), do whatever you feel is right. If you think the chances are small that you and the person you date, eventually like, and want to plan a life with are both carriers, then go out. Take the risk and hope for the best when you eventually call the hotline to find out. But checking beforehand isn’t a bad idea either. Avoid heartbreak. It’s also not a big deal to call the hotline. Everything is anonymous. You can call every month whenever you are redt to a new person if you want. No one will make fun of you, judge you, or even know it’s you.
Personally, my sister and I each called after we were already involved with our husbands. Had I been told that I was not compatible with my husband, I don’t know what I would have felt or done… But Baruch Hashem, our numbers were compatible.
I’m not going to keep repeating myself. Just go and get tested, and then call the hotline whenever you feel it is the right time. Again, they don’t just screen for one disease but for dozens that we may not even be aware of. Spare families the pain of what not checking can lead to. This is more of a PSA than a dating article—question and response. But I’ve been asked this question before, and this is all I have to say on the matter.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..