I Said “No”

Dear Goldy,

I have twin daughters amongst my other children. I’m specifically writing about them because they are in the parsha and bh, I’m busy with them. I’ll refer to them as Rifky and Malky. I meet shadchanim, go to meetings and my girls get out there and go to singles events too. Both are looking for a different type of boy, so it’s like doing double duty, literally.

Dear Goldy,

I’m writing because of my neighbor. My neighbor has a daughter the same age as my twins. They have always played together. We referred to her as the “triplet.” All through childhood and teenage years my girls were over at her house, and she was over here at my house. She’s dating too and her mother, my neighbor, is a friend. We talk often, take walks together... She’s the kind of neighbor everyone should have. And because we are close and our daughters are friends, we have spoken about shidduchim our daughters have had that either worked out for a while or were less than perfect from the beginning.

Nothing scandalous and I make sure never to exaggerate anything to make the boy or one of my girls come off looking better or worse than what the truth is. But now one twin, Rivky, asked that I not speak with my neighbor about her, not to swap dating stories with my friend. She said she feels uncomfortable and some things like shidduch dating shouldn’t be topics of conversation. Rivky added that since I’m friends with my neighbor anyway, we can find something else to talk about. I’ll add that Rivky is more sensitive than Malky and takes dating seriously. I agreed. There was no choice to be made. My daughter asked me not to share information about her dating life. I won’t. But now my neighbor is angry with me. Her daughter is looking for the same type of boy that Rivky’s looking for. She considers us networking and helping each other. If a boy isn’t good for one of our daughters, we have sometimes suggested the other girl. Now she thinks I’m trying to keep secrets about the “good ones,” and thinks that Rivky is making too much of a big deal out of not sharing dating stories.

Goldy, this is what you do. You write about dating issues and try to help. My daughter asked me not to speak about her dates. I told my neighbor that if my daughter doesn’t want me to talk about her and her dates, then I won’t. She said that I didn’t have to tell my daughter that she was telling me and we’re only sharing information to help each other... She tried guilting me into talking about who Rivky is dating and who redt the shidduch. I tried speaking about Malky and her dates. Malky could care less if I spoke about her or not. She takes dating in stride and doesn’t let anything get to her. No matter how much I share about Malky, my neighbor still wants to hear about Rivky. How can I get my friend to back off and respect what I ask her?

Shaindel

Thak you for your email Shaindel.

I bet your twins do indeed keep you on your toes, besides double the work, they’re looking for two different types of men to marry. (Remember, men date, not boys. That’s just a pet peeve of mine- when people refer to boys and girls dating.)

You answered your own question. You told your friend that your daughter specifically asked you not to talk about her dating life. That’s it. End of discussion. Your friend can beg and plead all she wants, but to guilt you into going against what your daughter asked of you? That’s below the belt. This makes me think that she just wants to hear the “story”, and it isn’t so much about networking and trying to see if someone that Rivky went out with would be good for her daughter. You can try to throw out the phrase, “loshon hora,” and see if that changes anything. But I doubt it will. As her friend, I’m sure you would think of her daughter, someone near and dear to your heart, right away if it wasn’t a right match for Rivky and there “wasn’t anything wrong with him.” It didn’t click between a fellow and Rivky and there would be no reason that would keep you from asking the shadchan about the fellow “for a friend.”

Yes, I do talk and write about shidduchim. But I only do so with permission from those that talk to me. There are plenty of times when someone asks for my advice or tells me something “unbelievable,” but then asks me not to share their story. And I don’t. Rivky can be as sensitive as she wants to be. It’s up to you as her mother to do all you can do for her. If your friend doesn’t understand this simple request, because it really is simple in my opinion, then I’d ask her what she would do if roles were reversed? Would she break a promise to her daughter, just to talk about maybe a potential fellow Rivky can date? She would do the same thing and ask the shadchan “for a friend.”

After you had to make the request a second time, I’d wonder what the real reason is that your friend wants to know about Rivky’s dating life and doesn’t just say, “Ok. I won’t ask.” She’s begging you and asking you to go against your promise to Rivky? This sounds odd. Could it be her daughter wants details? I don’t know.

You did the right thing. Yes, a friend is a friend. But you are Rivky’s mother. You made her a promise and if someone else, a friend, can’t understand and respect it, I’d ask why. And I’d ask my neighbor, not just in my head. Believe me, most dating stories aren’t as interesting as novels or movies. Yes, something odd or bad may have happened, or not. But your friend is pushing too much for nothing.

If you friend doesn’t understand your reasoning, just have her email me and I’ll set her straight. It just hurts to think of a mother so easily breaking her word to her daughter for something that really doesn't amount to much in the grand scheme of things.

I wish you koach to keep up with both Rivky and Malky’s shidduchim. I also wish you and them lots of hatzlacha.

Hatzlacha to you all!

Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..