Sometimes people need to be reminded of how to date, and when I say “How To…” I mean getting back to basics. I’m not talking about how to be suave or to “play the game.” I’m not into that. With all the crazy dating stories I’ve heard from people, read about, been asked about… my mouth just hangs open in disgust and/or amazement depending on what I’m told. I’m left speechless. In honor of all of those, I’m getting us all back to the simple basics of dating. Start with these five common-sense tips and hopefully there will be many dates in your future.
You are free to disagree with me. These tips are applicable to both males and females. This is advice from someone who has been there, done that, and has learned from it. It also doesn’t hurt that I am a Licensed Master of Social Work and was forced to take Human Behavior I and II in graduate school.
Tip #1 – Be prepared to date.
Before committing yourself to a date with someone, make sure you are ready emotionally, spiritually, as well as mentally. If you are not, then don’t go on a date. It’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. If you’re not ready, then wait until you are. This doesn’t only refer to those in a dating funk or down in the dumps, but those under pressure from school or work who may be too busy to devote the time needed to date and to begin a relationship. Whoever you date deserves all your attention, just as you deserve theirs. If you only have a couple of hours a week to date or you are constantly thinking of deadlines and how much work stresses you out, then don’t date. If you are not in an emotionally good place — and that could mean anything such as trying to get over the breakup of your previous relationship, the death of your dog or family member, or the loss of a job — then don’t date.
I’ve written it before, but I’ll write it again: I vividly remember sitting in the car at the start of a date when the fellow said, “I think I should tell you I was recently engaged. We broke up two weeks ago, or should I say she blindsided me and ended the engagement. I still can’t believe it. But don’t worry, I am getting back into the scene.” Oyyyyyyyy. Throughout the evening he started crying if something I did or something he saw reminded him of his ex-fiancée. He was still in disbelief regarding his breakup. He never should have been out on a date so soon after, and the shadchan should have known better than to set him up.
I also remember being set up with someone who kept putting off the first phone call. First there was a text asking if he could call me that night. Then later, another text asking for another night. When we finally were able to speak, he told me he was “in a rush” and had to “make it fast.” That’s not really the way to start a new relationship. He also postponed our first date twice. While we were on the date, he kept checking his phone and didn’t seem fully involved. I asked him about this, and he apologized. He said that he had a lot going on, so his head was in a few different places, but “yeah, no, I’m here with you. I’m into this.” And the next time he received a text, he apologized while he texted his friend back.
I don’t need a fellow hanging onto every word I say, but this guy was very distracted. If you can’t date, don’t. If you can’t give the person you’re with at least most of your attention and are unable to carry on a complete conversation without losing your train of thought or checking your phone for texts, then don’t date. I won’t be angry to have missed the opportunity to date someone who didn’t have time for me. But I was upset to have gone out with someone who didn’t make the time to spend with me because he committed to the date — he wasn’t forced to. He didn’t treat the opportunity as I feel a first date should have been treated. And that is him thinking, “I could meet my future wife, my best friend, the mother of my future children tonight. I should put my best foot forward.” I felt like he scheduled me into his evening, but it didn’t hamper his texting or thinking of all the other things he told me he had on his mind.
It’s simple — no time, not able to give attention, then don’t date.
Tip #2 – You must like yourself before asking another to do so.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. A person’s personality is shaped by their experiences in life and how they were raised. Thankfully, my parents let their children know how much they loved and supported us. But others aren’t as lucky. I know of those who didn’t have anyone telling them how much they were loved, and felt as if they didn’t have anyone in their corner when they were wrong. I have gone out with men who didn’t have any self-esteem or self-worth. It was apparent in the way they walked, talked, and behaved. I would always treat these guys with extra care. I would laugh at their jokes, give them compliments. Even knowing I was never going to agree to date this fellow again, I wanted him to have a nice time. Their eyes would light up when they realized I was listening to what they were saying. Unfortunately, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have a good sense of self or who isn’t confident.
I remember another date with someone else who thought very poorly of himself. He had no self-esteem or positive image of himself to put forth. When I asked about his job, he told me that he worked for the family business (which I knew) but was only given “busy work” because his brother and cousins didn’t have much faith in him to do well on “the important stuff.” Oyyyy. When I asked about his nieces and nephews, his face lit up for a minute, but then he said that since his brother-in-law suffered a stroke and he is the only single uncle, he is the only one able to spend a lot of time with them — but then added, “I know they’d rather be with anyone else but me.” Oyyyy. There wasn’t a topic where he didn’t have something negative to say about himself.
To those who can identify with what I just wrote: You’re good enough for everything you want out of life. G-d loves you; now you must love yourself. This is directed at both men and women. I’m telling everyone, “You are worth every good thing that can happen in life.” I also recommend seeking out a therapist to help you realize your self-worth and to find your confidence. You are good, smart, and beautiful enough to accomplish anything you want. But again, you must think well of yourself before you ask another person to do so.
The remaining tips will appear next week.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..