I will warn readers that the topic I chose to write about is very sensitive. Some may take offense that the QJL, “a family paper,” chose to print an article such as this. But as I have said many times, I won’t shy away from topics that make people uncomfortable. This is a newspaper and an issue that is occurring more and more in the frum community. I felt that this was the time to address it. I say that because I have received a number of letters like this one. I chose this letter (received three months ago) because it was the most family-friendly with the language used.
Parents, I personally would not let a child under 15 or 16 read this particular column. I also wouldn’t recommend that children read my column on a recurring basis, but you can all parent as you see fit.
I’ve always said that whatever happens in the secular world will happen and does happen in the frum world, but it is often not spoken about. It’s kept hush-hush. But just because we don’t discuss it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. We want to keep our children sheltered and protected, but do we want them to be deaf, dumb, and blind to what is going on in the world? Some may even call it ignorant. I am telling all my readers now: This article is not appropriate for anyone under 15 (in my opinion).
*****
Dear Goldy:
I don’t know what to do. My daughter got engaged a few weeks ago. She came to me and my husband yesterday saying that she wants to break off the engagement. She doesn’t want to marry her chasan. Of course, we were shocked. We had many questions. We don’t want to force her into a life-changing situation if she has had a change of heart and it will affect a whole other family. But my husband and I are in complete shock, and I think denial, of the whole thing.
Why would we be in denial? Why would I be up crying nonstop and saying T’hilim? Because I don’t know what to do! My husband and I don’t want to tell anyone about this, not even our rav. Our other children know because our daughter told them. They are all older with families of their own...and we are all in disbelief. And we all agreed not to say anything until tomorrow – my daughter said she will officially break up with her chasan tomorrow. The only thing holding her back from officially breaking the engagement is because I begged her to give me a day to adjust to this change before it gets out. But it is also because I (and my husband) are embarrassed. We’re embarrassed, shamed, and feel like failures as parents to our daughter. My daughter is going to break her engagement to her chasan because she doesn’t love him anymore. She loves someone else, her friend’s cousin, Chaya. Yes, Chaya.
I can’t believe I’m writing this or that this is part of my life now. My daughter said that she no longer loves her chasan or men. Now that she is a kallah, she knows this for certain! I don’t know when this happened. She never seemed to not like men. She had a boyfriend in college. Two years ago, she moved to the city to be closer to her job and to friends. I haven’t noticed any changes in her, until now. She called us regularly. She comes home for Shabbosim once in a while; nothing was out of place. Now that I’m looking back, now that it is too late, I see that she seemed more relaxed and freer when she had moved out. Not that she grew up in a strict household, but now she was out on her own, independent. She said she felt free to be herself once she was on her own. Was she pretending with us?
My daughter told us that this is her “true self.” What does that even mean? She dated her chasan for many months, and other men, too. She told me she loves him. She planned her life with him before he proposed. He is a good boy from a very nice family. I don’t know what to say or write. I can’t even say the word. I can’t think of the word without shuddering.
She knows that doing this is wrong by Torah standards! She went to yeshivah elementary and high school. She said that this isn’t a phase and this is something she has been fighting for a long time because she knows it’s not allowed. I don’t even know what to say. She has been suffering all this time, she said. I ache at that. What will happen to her? She will be ostracized by the frum community! I hate to say it, but I know people will talk about her and us and it’ll be embarrassing. I can’t even imagine.
In case you’re wondering: After my daughter told us, and we were still in shock, she asked us if this changes how we feel about her. Of course, we love her! I told her we love her forever and always. But... I know parents in the secular world need time to process this type of news. Can you imagine how my husband and I feel? No, you can’t. I know that other frum families are dealing with the same thing. She’s not the only one. She found Chaya. What do Chaya’s parents think? I keep thinking of my little girl and how we spoke of weddings, princesses and princes, palaces and grandchildren – and not just when she was a little girl. We spoke of this weeks ago! Weeks! It’s so hard to balance loving your child but not respecting or supporting their decisions. We asked every way possible if she was sure. She said she is, and she isn’t going back to “pretending.”
Is there someone to blame? Did this happen because she was independent and living out of our reach? I’m not saying that anyone coerced her, but something must have happened. I’m racking my brain. I can’t think of anything that would have led her to what she has said and what she’s doing.
We asked for a day. It doesn’t matter if it’s a year. I’ll never get over this. This will affect our family for years to come. Her siblings, our grandchildren... How can this be explained? In hours she is going to break things off with her chasan. I’m in tears as I write this. Even if she changes her mind in a year or two, she will have this stigma attached to her, although she said it is her life, not a choice.
Any words of advice? I don’t know what to say or do. I can write for pages, but I don’t know what is happening. My world is upside down! I thought writing to you may make me feel better. It doesn’t. Nothing will make this better.
A Yiddishe Heimishe Mother
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YHM, I usually thank people for writing to me, but I understand that you are still in shock and sat down to write your thoughts. You may have thought it would help clear your mind or help you come to terms with this, but it hasn’t. But thank you for writing to me – that you felt safe enough to do so. And you are correct: Other families are going through the same thing. I have received other emails from family members who have just been informed that their child felt like they were living a lie... all in shock.
How can I respond? I won’t condemn or approve. Yes, I know it’s against the Torah and what we are taught, but this is who your daughter (and others) are. Now what? Take it minute by minute. Breathe.
Usually, I write not to care about what others think, but I completely understand when you wrote that you and your husband will be embarrassed and will be fodder for gossip. It’s not just regular embarrassment; it’s another level. It just is what it is. We can’t change human nature; people will talk about this until something else piques their interest, and people are and love who they are and love.
The fact that you wrote and told your daughter you will love her forever means a lot. Many parents who write to me tell me they won’t have anything to do with this child. Some want to knock sense into them, reprogram them; some say it’s “gotta be a phase.” Their reactions were much like yours. Some wrote that they practically disowned their child. Yes, it’s hard to love someone so much but not respect his or her decisions.
I don’t think that you or your husband did anything wrong. You didn’t fail her. I don’t think she was coerced. From what you wrote, it seems like your daughter has been struggling with this for a long time. Maybe she did feel free to be who she is once she moved out. Maybe she felt you would judge her or criticize her. I don’t know. But to hear that your child has been suffering while you have been in the dark must be unbearable – you said you ache for her. But this isn’t a “you did something wrong” kind of issue. Your daughter is saying this is who she is.
I don’t think that asking for a day to process all this until your daughter publicly breaks the engagement is unreasonable. You can’t even type the word or think of it “without shuddering.” Your world was just upended. Like you wrote: The little girl whom you dreamed of weddings and palaces and children... is gone. You lost the daughter you thought you had, and while she is still here, you may feel like she is a stranger. Take as long as you need. The fears that you have about how the frum community – your friends, neighbors, family – will react to this are very real. And as a parent, you don’t want to see your child go through it. But now, she knows that she has the love of her parents (and siblings), and it may make it less harsh. There are those out there alone: no comfort or love of parents, siblings, etc. It makes life so much harder for them.
I don’t have any advice. But I will tell you, you aren’t alone. I don’t know where to refer you. There may be a support group to help family accept what has happened, I don’t know. Your daughter may know. If she found Chaya, maybe she has other friends who live that lifestyle, and they can be a resource.
I don’t doubt that you are a Yiddishe Heimishe mother. This doesn’t take away from that. I wish you and your family hatzlachah and that you find the help you seek to accept that this is your daughter and who she is, even though it goes against everything we were taught.
Hatzlachah to you all.
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I responded to the mother a couple of days after I received the email. I never want to send off a response without giving it real thought. The mother was in such a fragile state, I didn’t want to inadvertently push her over the edge. I don’t know what happened once the daughter broke the engagement. Last week, I emailed her, telling her I was going to publish her email and my response. All she responded was, “Okay. Thank you.” I didn’t want to push.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..