This issue is more common than many may think. We speak about our actual family and our work family. I’m still in touch with members of my work family, and I haven’t worked with them in five years! I interviewed, hired, and trained them—and, most importantly, spent 35 hours a week with them. I was able to rely on them when I needed help, and they were able to count on me when the time came for it. We know each other’s children and siblings from everyone visiting the office. I have a picture on my phone that I love looking at: my daughter, at two years old, watching her iPad in one of the visitors’ chairs in my office, with two boys looking over her shoulder. The boys were the sons of one of my staff member’s children—from a very Chassidish family. I guess it was a no-school day. My daughter was watching Cocomelon, but these boys had never watched Cocomelon. All members of my staff laughed. It was simple nursery rhymes, but these boys had never seen these graphics. Their eyes were glued to the screen.
My work family was also there for me when my family needed me—when my sister was sick. They helped me stay focused; they lightened my load. My boss wasn’t supportive; he gave me an ultimatum: take less time off to spend with my family or… I never gave him the chance to finish the sentence. I called his bluff—to give me such an ultimatum?! Believe me, when I finally did resign from the agency, someone was there to take over my responsibilities right away. They didn’t mourn my leaving. Work continued; deadlines were met. That’s when I finally understood that I was just a cog in the wheel. We all are. We go into work sick; we miss children’s plays or Chumash parties; we try to balance our real family with work. But we are just a worker-bee in the hive. I realized that even more when I moved on to another frum agency. Again, I was asked to put their work family ahead of my own family.
This is what is happening to the young woman who wrote in asking for help. It took me a day to respond, only because so many memories came flooding back from what I had experienced—trying to do a good job, be a good employee, get the job done—while my personal life was pushed to the side. I’m here to say: we need to stop doing that.
Dear Goldy,
I’m in a relationship with the man I want to marry. And he wants to marry me. It has been a wonderful and insightful few months of dating. He said he can see me as his wife. But there is a big but—and it’s not anything you think it may be.
It’s my job. He doesn’t want me to quit, which is good because I like what I do, and I don’t see myself doing nothing (or lunching with the ladies), at least not until we have children. What he has an issue with is the fact that my boss contacts me at all hours. I am a paralegal for a very busy lawyer. I’ve worked at the firm for seven years. I was handpicked by my boss from among other paralegals to be his assistant. We work well together. We have a good rhythm. But now that I’m very close to what I’ve always wanted—becoming a kallah—my soon-to-be husband had a discussion with me the other day. He never liked that my boss texts and emails me after hours. I’d receive texts, emails, and even the very occasional “important” call while we’ve been on dates (and I should mention after 9 p.m.). While he respects my position and job, he told me that once we are married, I need to tell my boss that when I clock out in the evening, that’s it—I’m out. Of course, if there is a big emergency, he would understand, but not for anything else.
I’ll call him David. David doesn’t know that years ago I mentioned this to my boss—about not contacting me after hours unless it was a life-or-death matter. The conversation went sideways. He told me that he is free to text and email me as he pleases and that I do not have to respond if I don’t want to. He said when he remembers something or has an idea, he’ll quickly send it to me and then continue on with his evening without having whatever the issue was nagging at him. It was my choice if I wanted to respond. I saw the point in that, but I told him I need the break from work to have an actual life and do things. We agreed to disagree. So, for a while I never responded to texts and emails that came after hours. But then I started to, and so… it has continued.
This is very important to David—and to me as well. Shanah Rishonah is such a delicate and hard time to navigate. It’s hard enough to learn how to blend two lives into one and balance work and home life without having to throw my boss into the mix.
I need to speak with my boss. Any ideas how to tell him that the way we have been working for years can’t continue, without me offending him or losing my job?
Jessica
Thank you for your email, Jessica.
I won’t say “MT!” because I don’t want to jinx it or anything. But I wish you the best!
First of all, you will not be offending your boss or ruining the way you and your boss have been working, because this has nothing to do with work. This is about how to deal with boundaries—setting them and respecting them. David is not asking, and you are not asking, your boss to change anything in your 9 a.m.–5 p.m. workday. What you need to change is what happens when you are off the clock. It’s called “off the clock” for a reason. I’m sure that whatever type of law your boss practices is very important—and I’m hoping this is true, because why else would he need to bother you when you are trying to live your personal life?
To be honest, Jessica, your email brought up a lot of memories for me. Some may call it PTSD. I was asked by one employer to choose between my sister and my position when they felt I was taking too much time off caring for, staying with, and loving my sister (when she was seriously sick) rather than being at their offices. I pointed out that I had accrued—earned—every hour and every day that I was taking off to be with my sister. I had worked there for a decade and came in when I was sick, injured… hardly ever took a sick day. If they wanted me to choose, then I would go back to my office and pack my personal belongings then and there. Work does not trump family. Another time, I was asked to come in, nine months pregnant, the day I got up from sitting shivah for my mother, who had died unexpectedly. My office was on the second floor with no elevator. My boss told me, “People die all the time, and you can push yourself up the steps one by one, backwards, by sitting on them.” At another agency, I was called five minutes before lighting Shabbos candles, 11 p.m. on Motzaei Shabbos, emailed at 1 a.m. and 5 a.m.… Again, I was asked to put someone’s family before mine. And it was me paying the price. My shalom bayis was affected.
So, Jessica, I, of all people, understand what you are asking and what you experience. I had the same conversation with my boss, and he gave the same answer. He was free to text and email as he pleased, and I didn’t have to respond. He told me to silence my phone. I argued that I have an older father who lives alone, a sister living with special circumstances, and muting my phone or not looking at it after hours wasn’t an option. Imagine my surprise when I found out that email has a little option to “send later.” Just click on when you want to have the email sent—like maybe 9:02 a.m.—and problem solved. Because if I “didn’t have to look at the email when it came,” then why send it at that time? Long story follows, and I get hives thinking about it.
Jessica, there are labor laws for a reason. Employers should not take advantage of their employees. You may not think that a text or email here and there is a big deal—but it is. As you see, your boss didn’t respect your wishes when you first made this request. But that was then, and this is now. Now his after-hours communication won’t just affect your life; it will also affect your married life. Again, I’m not referring to a life-and-death emergency. That can happen; David and I both understand that. We can’t understand the nonchalant way your boss consistently communicates with you when he isn’t paying you to work for him—especially if it is not written in a contract or agreed upon verbally that you are at his beck and call 24/7.
If your boss is a mentsch, then all you have to do is explain that you need to reinstate the boundaries you once spoke about but never enforced. He will understand—and if he doesn’t, then decisions have to be made. It doesn’t have anything to do with David; it includes whether you should stay with this particular boss who has no respect for your private life. If he doesn’t respect these boundaries, then what else doesn’t he respect about you—or what else will one day change? You sound like an easy-going type of employee, and the two of you “have a good rhythm.” I’m sure he won’t want to disrupt your life and thereby affect the way you perform your duties at work (unconsciously or consciously, that may happen). Keep it to a simple conversation. Don’t drag it out—two or three sentences. And, as I said, if your boss is a mentsch, he will understand.
(Question for my curiosity—is your boss married? Does he have a family? That may come into play, because if he isn’t busy with his own personal life, then he is thinking of work all the time. Or maybe he’s a workaholic. I don’t know.)
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..