Dear Goldy,
The issue I’m writing about isn’t unique, so I’m hoping you or your readers will be able to help and advise or give me some chizuk. It’s not complicated. It’s a story as old as time (I know you like Disney).

I’m in my early to mid-40s and have been working for over twenty years. I worked through graduate school, continued at the first firm I was hired at for five years. Since then, I’ve become very good at what I do and have worked at different firms. I will even give myself a moment to brag (since I’m not going to give my real name, so no one will know who I am) and say that twice I have been sought after by other firms and lured away with large salaries and extravagant vacation/time-off packages. I mention all this because I’m not a 22-year-old fresh out of college or graduate school and beginning my career or even a few years into my career. I have been living this very nice life for over a decade. I make it a point not to brag (except here because I’m anonymous) about my salary or job perks... but I’m not keeping it a secret either; I dress well, drive a nice car, own a nice apartment in a nice building...

I always wanted to be a wife and mother, but because that didn’t work out as planned, I went to school and excelled. I picked a field to work in that I love and have a good life because of it. Had I gotten married when I was 22 or 30, would I be living this life, working like this? Who knows? But what was I supposed to do, wait around until I was married? I’d still be waiting around and I’m not from a family where sitting around and not doing anything is an option. Besides which, I like keeping busy. Instead of keeping busy with a family of my own, my job keeps me busy.

I’m having an issue with shadchanim, forget about the men I date. I can barely get a date. Shadchanim say that men are intimidated by my job and position. They wouldn’t feel like the man of the house if I brought home a bigger salary than they did. I think that’s archaic and ridiculous. Iyh, if I get married and children come along, I’ll be happy to resign and be the full-time mother I always wanted to be. There’s no need to worry about me earning more money than my husband. But so what if I did? Would you rather have nice things or be the one to say, “I earn more than my wife,” and not earn a nice salary and therefore not be able to afford to have and do whatever you want? I don’t get it.

Shoshana
Thank you for your email, Shoshana (fake name.)


Yes, I have read emails and spoken with other females with similar situations.

This can all be traced back to the beginning of time when men were the hunters and would go out into the jungle or hunting trips with weapons and their skills to bring home food for the tribe and their families. The bigger the kill, the more pride the man/men felt. Women had an important job as well. Not just “gatherers.” They also taught the children about the ways of their people, passed down the culture, taught them how to continue in the ways of their ancestors by making food, clothing... They taught social norms to the children... But here I’m discussing the men, so I will concentrate there. I just don’t want anyone to think that I am putting the role of gatherer or of the female down. I’m not.

No matter how much society has changed, things are still thought to remain the same as they have been for the last 3,000 years. The man provides; whether it be a bull, cow, deer to eat or a large salary to be deposited in the couple’s bank account. I know a few couples where the husband stays home—not because he’s learning, but because he has chosen to take care of the house and children because his wife is a professional and earns a large enough salary so that the children don’t have to be raised by nannies and babysitters. But do you know how many comments they hear from people asking if they still feel like the man or wear the pants in the family if his wife is the one working and he’s not? It doesn’t matter to these men. They are secure in who they are. They are confident—and also living a very good life because their wife is able to support the whole family without the help of a second income.

I can’t provide any advice. What I mean is, I’m not going to advise you to resign and apply for positions that pay half of what you’re earning. You are worth every single penny that your salary is. Firms went out of their way to recruit you to work for them. To me, that is the utmost compliment and tells me how talented you are and how much you have to offer. I will provide you with words of chizuk. Women like you are not a dime a dozen. You are special and unique and sometimes people don’t know what to do with someone like you. You can’t be placed in a box with “the typical woman”—whatever the typical woman is. I don’t know, so don’t question me. But if shadchanim can’t help you because they don’t know the men they have on their profiles well enough because they don’t know them on a personal level, then go where someone will know the type of man that won’t be intimidated by you or your position—and will actually consider himself lucky for going out and marrying you. (“She chose me. She could have chosen anyone but chose me.”)

Shoshana, it may be time for you to speak with friends and family. Ask if they know someone, really know someone for you. You need to start searching for someone that knows the type of man you need—and that has nothing to do with his employment or his finances. He needs to be confident, self-assured, and to know a gem of a woman when he finds one. You can try shadchanim that strictly deal with working professionals in situations like yours. I don’t know of any specific shadchan, but they may be able to help, but again, friends and family are best.

Asking for help finding someone to date can be hard. You don’t want to seem helpless or desperate... But there is nothing to be embarrassed about. The men you were set up with before weren’t shiach, but let’s see if you can find someone who actually knows someone for you and he isn’t someone they met months ago or a face they forgot but found their resume sticking out of a folder.

Shoshana, you are strong, smart, and correct. Hashem didn’t set your zivug in front of you when you were younger, so you made a life for yourself with a good job because you used your brain and skills. If a man is intimidated by what you bring to the table, then it’s his loss. If all he can think about is how your salary and position make him feel less of a man, then maybe he should find his own therapist. Your zivug will embrace all that you are and have to offer. And it’s a conversation to have later on when you have children and want to resign to be a full-time mommy. A man with a good sense of self will not need that opportunity to feel like “the man” when he is the only one bringing home a paycheck. What type of example would he be setting for his child?

Everyone has to network, you know that better than anyone if you’re in the business world, and who can describe what you want better than you? You are the product you’re marketing (if that’s what you do. I’m not exactly sure what you do.) Use whoever you have in your arsenal to find your bashert. There is no shame in asking for help, just missed opportunities if you don’t try asking for assistance. You seem to know what you want, now go out and find it. If shadchanim can’t help you, then do what you can to help yourself.

Hatzlachah to you all.

Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..