Dear Goldy,
Years ago, a girl wrote about how devastated she was that the guy she dated and liked broke up with her and later on ended up getting engaged to her cousin.
She was devastated. Her mother tried to ease the blow by preparing her for it. She wrote how she couldn’t imagine seeing him often and at family simchos, while she was single and had at one time thought he would be her chasan. Her letter stuck with me. I don’t know why, but it did. I hope she was able to move on from that and eventually found her chasan and now all four can go out together and laugh about what was.
I’m bringing this up because something very similar happened to me. Two years ago, I dated someone that I really thought was my bashert — until he ended things. It took me weeks to get over it. But I did. Why am I mentioning this? During the summer, he and my friend got engaged. That’s when the article popped into my head again. That girl was just getting over that guy and months later, it was still a blow to her. It’s been two years, and even though the two weeks after the breakup were horrible, I’m fine about it.
What I thought was the end of the world, wasn’t. I have gone on to date some very nice, fun, good guys. Nothing has worked out yet, but I’m hoping that one day it will. There was a moment of awkwardness at the engagement party. My friend knew I had dated her fiancé... but we’re all adults and it’s water under the bridge. We are laughing about it now.
I’m here to tell people that the one person they thought was their bashert, who is not, and has become someone else’s fiancé — it’ll be okay. It’ll take time for the pain to stop. At first, you’ll hope the other person changes his or her mind and comes back to you. But it doesn’t happen. You don’t want to start again at the bottom of the ladder when you thought you were halfway up, but you do. You start climbing it one rung at a time. I remember hating going out on the first date with the next guy that I was set up with. But I did. Then I went out with another... and soon I was able to see how my friend’s now-fiancé wasn’t my bashert after all.
The hurt is real. But you can’t dwell on it. Cry, mope for what would have been, and then move on so you can find your bashert. I’m not angry or hurt that my friend is engaged to someone that I thought I was going to marry. I’m not even sad that she is engaged (in general, it could be to anyone) and I’m still single. I have a theory — the happier, really happy, I am for someone else, the happier they’ll be for me when I’m the kallah when my time comes.
Feel free to publish my letter. I have been in the position of the girl from the original letter, and I have come out on the other side. The important thing to remember: everyone should have a positive outlook and bitochon.
Merel
Thank you so much for your email, Merel.
I certainly am going to publish your letter because you can help so many who have been in the same situation.
I once went out with someone for almost two months. It was the first time I actually liked someone I dated. It gave me hope because after all the years of dating and not feeling anything for any of the men I dated, I was beginning to think that maybe I was the defective one. I would go out with someone two, three times, but never liked any of them. Here I am, trying to find a husband, and I’m almost a decade into the search, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t felt anything for any of them! It made me start to doubt myself.
But then this man walked through my front door. On the first date, I felt that something may be there. The more we went out, the more I was able to overlook little things that would come to light, things I would have called flaws with any of the other men I had dated until that point. I was looking at the whole picture, the long term, and these silly things weren’t a blip on my radar. I was enjoying myself. We would text and call each other even if it wasn’t to arrange a date.
But then it happened. He broke up with me. To tell you I was devastated would be an understatement. Here, after years, I finally found someone that I liked — and who I thought, up until that moment, liked me. It only made things worse when I was getting over my heartache, meeting with a shadchan, and the shadchan saying, “Isn’t it wonderful that ____ is engaged! I would redt you to him, but he just got engaged a few days ago.”
My heart sank. I felt like I would throw up. All I said was, “Who did he get engaged to?” Now, as I’ve said, I fail at Jewish Geography all the time. I didn’t go to sleepaway camp, didn’t go to seminary in Israel. My parents aren’t from large families... I don’t know why I asked the question, but I did. I thought I would fall over when the shadchan told me that he had been dating his kallah for months, broke up for a while, but got back together with her a few weeks ago. The shadchan was so happy for the couple, and all I wanted to do was cry in my bed.
Apparently, I was a rebound girl. The girl who made him realize that he wanted to marry his kallah and not me. Like I said, I was getting over the pain, and this was another blow that I wasn’t ready for. I remember the letter you referred to in your email, Merel. While I have felt pain, I don’t know what I would have done if I actually knew the kallah and would have to see this fellow every so often or hear about him from his kallah if we had been friends.
Merel, I am confident that your letter will help many. Heartache is heartache. We think it’s the end of the world if our relationship ends and we didn’t initiate the ending. We can’t understand how the sun still rises, how people get up and go to work in the morning like usual, as if nothing happened, while our world is crumbling. But eventually you can move forward. It’s not easy and it starts with just one step — but without the bitochon and the positive outlook you spoke of, it’ll be almost impossible. Why would anyone want to wallow in their pain? Give it a good cry and then keep moving. Get out there. Your bashert is out there, but the time hasn’t come yet for your own happy ending to begin. I love your philosophy, Merel; if you are truly happy for others, they will be truly happy when you are the kallah.
I too wonder, at times, what happened to that young lady whose cousin became a kallah to the person she thought would be her chasan. I often wonder about people who write to me — even those whose letters I don’t publish. I don’t receive many follow-up emails (and when I do, I pass them along and publish them). Some letters stay with me more than others — remember the girl who was broken up with while visiting her boyfriend of years in Florida on Chol HaMoed Pesach? She was a friend of a friend who I wasn’t close with, but I didn’t keep up with the girl. Years later she sent me an email that, b”H, she was married and was able to get over that horrible experience. I was so happy because her letter stuck with me for years. Thank you for sharing, Merel.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..