Dear Goldy:

I’ve been engaged for a couple of months. The wedding will be after Sukkos. I’m telling you this straight off the bat so you know exactly where I am in my relationship; it may help you understand and provide an informed response.

At the last wedding and few vorts that my chasan and I attended, my chasan drank too much. Sometimes it’s just slurring his words, but twice I had to drive him home; but I had driven us there because my chasan warned me that he may drink too much at these simchos, so I’d have to be the designated driver. It happens once, twice, fine, but now it seems to be what he does. He gets drunk. I never knew this about him.

When we were dating, he was very straight. Maybe he had one beer on a date or a glass of wine, but that was it. Now, it seems like because I’m going to simchos with him, he’s free to drink as much as he wants, knowing he’ll get home safely. I’m worried about this. I spoke with my brother and sister-in-law about this. My brother-in-law brushed it off, saying my chasan just wants to have a good time and celebrate with his friends and family, and lots of guys do it. It’s not like he drinks every day or even when we go out. It’s only at simchos, and he thinks it’s fine. My sister said she understood why I was worried and that I had to talk with my chasan about this, because social drinking can lead to being an alcoholic very quickly.

I only know about alcoholism from what I see on TV/movies and social media. I know it’s a disease and must be treated as one, and it’s not the person’s fault. But if this is the road I’m heading down, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be married to an alcoholic, if I can help it. I love him, but we are young. I can’t imagine dealing with this and how it will get worse in the next 50 years. I know you’re going to ask me if I spoke with him about how I feel. I did. On the way to the last wedding, I told him that I didn’t like when he drank to the point of not being able to drive and that being drunk doesn’t mean bringing more happiness to the simchah – and I didn’t want it to become an issue. He listened and then told me I was blowing it all out of proportion.

Was I? Am I?

 Henny

*****

Thank you for your email, Henny.

I will begin by stating that I am not an expert in addictions or alcoholism. The advice that I will provide is advice I would give a friend if she came to me with the same issue (which is the point of the column and my book). If you want to really delve into this, you should speak with a professional in this field. And I mean a professional. Sometimes a rebbi or rebbetzin aren’t the best people to consult for every type of life issue. They are very well-versed in Torah and halachah, but when it comes to specific life situations, they may not be the best to consult. That’s all I’m saying.

Drinking is an issue in the frum community, just like it is in any community. And not just husbands, boyfriends, etc. How many times has there been an announcement in shul that a kiddush will follow davening, but there will be no alcohol served, so the rav or gabbai will make one Kiddush for all the congregants to be yotzei with? In some shuls, it was noticed that the teenagers were getting a little carried away with partaking in a few too many l’chayims. Guidelines were established for what can be served at a kiddush, and if there is an official “L’chayim Officer,” with one person controlling the alcohol so the teenagers don’t get to it.

Great that you brought up the subject with your chasan (I’ll name him Max). Communication is the key to everything. But you didn’t include how the conversation ended. Was anything resolved? What did he say besides what you included in your email? Thank you for telling me that the wedding is months away, but if you were telling me this so that I can say, “It’s not too late to back out,” then you really don’t know me or my column. I would never provide a response like that. People must decide what to do on their own. I point out things they may not have thought about, and sometimes I provide the other side’s perspective.

You and your Max have known each other for almost a year, as you wrote. Had you seen any signs that he was holding back on dates when he ordered one beer or one glass of wine? Have you been together during Shabbosim? Does he get drunk on Shabbos? Or is it only at simchos – and simchos of his good friends or family? If you attended the wedding of a distant cousin or neighbor, would he drink the same amount? Does he drink daily? Beer? Glass(es) of wine?

What you said is correct: Alcoholism is a disease. But I got the feeling you were ready to jump ship before you found out if Max was afflicted with this disease or not (by telling me how far away the wedding is). No one enters a relationship hoping to care for and help the other through illness. Yes, illness comes, but people seem to treat those with alcoholism differently than they would treat someone diagnosed with a type of cancer. It’s almost as if they feel, “It’s not her fault she has liver/kidney/breast cancer, but he didn’t have to pick up that glass and bottle of whiskey.” It’s not as easy as that.

Henny, you need to have a more direct discussion with Max, and I’m not saying that because I think there is something going on here. I’m saying that so you know what is going on. I know a few men who tell their wives they’ll be drinking that night at a simchah, so the wife is prepared to drive home (and deal with what comes afterward). These husbands don’t drink regularly. One even makes Kiddush on grape juice every Shabbos, not touching wine; but at a simchah he likes to let loose. I know his wife isn’t a fan of it, but you take the good with the bad when you marry someone. Just make sure there is more good than bad. And this issue isn’t just for men; it applies to women, as well.

You included in your letter that you drove to the simchah because Max told you what he was going to be doing that night. Sometimes with work, the spouse, children, etc., people need a break and time to let loose with friends. I’m not saying that planning to drink and establishing a designated driver is a good thing, but it actually is. It’s doing something responsible. Does Max get tipsy, or does he get blackout drunk, not remembering what he did once the morning comes? Not being able to drive may happen to someone after one drink or after five drinks. It matters how “drunk” Max gets. You never specified.

Your brother-in-law and sister are right. It could be something Max just does at a simchah, but you should discuss it head-on with him. This is the time not to hold back any fears. Maybe you can arrange that he only drinks at every other simchah. Yes, that sounds foolish, but discuss it with him.

Life imitates art. I understand what you mean, with knowing what you know about alcoholism from what is put out for a viewing audience. But remember, it’s a put on – acting – not real (except the program Intervention. That’s real). Don’t throw around the label “alcoholic” or the word “alcoholism.” Those words carry a lot of weight, and you don’t know the reaction of others once brought up. It’s good you have people to speak with – your sister and her husband – but I wouldn’t speak with friends about “Max drinks too much.” It may get blown out of proportion, and it could come back later in life to haunt you or Max. Choose words wisely and speak with your chasan. Don’t jump the gun and say you don’t want to go through this for the next 50 years. There may not be anything to go through.

I’ll add a very personal question and then explain why I asked: Do you really love Max? I ask because it just seemed flippant the way you wrote that you’re young and don’t want to deal with this for the next 50 years. Loved ones suffer, too, in many ways. But first find out if there is anything to worry about. Speak with Max and an expert in the field so you know what to expect. You may even want to speak with an expert in the field before you speak with Max and get pointers on how to bring up this conversation, because it can be a very sensitive topic. You want to begin it correctly, not have Max put up walls and feel like he has to defend himself from your incoming attacks.

Hatzlachah to you both.

Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..