Has your closest friend or partner ever exhibited aggressive or unpleasant behavior? When you first met him, he was so tender; she was so kind. Now, after a time, you feel neglected or unappreciated.
After all, you work so incredibly hard to support your family. Speaking of work, I love when all my bills are paid so I can enjoy my remaining $14.87 in peace. I know, you just paid your bills, and the only thing left on your card is your name and expiration date.
You know it’s been said: As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job. But seriously, you take care of the household, and yet all he wants to do is go out with his buddies lately. She seems distant, even cold. We all set expectations for our friends and loved ones, and sadly, they oftentimes do not live up to them.
You may be doing everything right. You are gentle and non-judgmental. So why on earth would such behavior be problematic? The truth is that you are not being punished for what you are doing. Your friend or mate may unknowingly be hurting you for what their parents did or did not do for them eons ago.
We all redirect our resentments without even realizing it at times. You can’t shout at your hostile boss. You couldn’t express rage at your disappointing parents. Yet in the here and now, you may raise your voice to your loved one. You might even treat your best friend with contempt on a bad day.
Perhaps her cries went unheard when she was a child. So now you are being made to feel what she once had to go through. This dynamic can unfold in your love relationships. When pain has been his ‘home’ all his life, he may not even know what to do with your kindness.
Some want love desperately but have no clue how to accept it when you offer it. Sure, it’s easy to be pessimistic. Just think about the future of humanity for a moment. As they say: The human race is a species that has appeared to evolve without a user manual.
And yet, when it comes to love, many insist on being optimistic. We assume that out of millions on the planet, we will one day locate our ‘special person’.
Then again, the need to be right is truly at the root of intolerance and displeasure. No doubt you will discover a long range of flaws in even the most beloved friend or mate. They will discover them in you as well.
Compatibility is quite an achievement in relationships. Modify your unrealistic hopes and expectations of him. How often do you bite your tongue or hold back a tear? Do you feel like some of your relationships are non-reciprocal?
When you say that you long for love, oftentimes you mean you wish to be loved. You may want someone who simply understands your needs. Can you subordinate your needs at times to the needs of another?
Put someone you care about ahead of you today. Remember that we are truly all children, despite our powers of reasoning. Your child will almost always attract your tenderness even when they act in tricky ways. We know that their bad behavior is invariably the result of some sort of pain or discomfort.
In response to sorrow, we adults may engage in terrible behavior, but we rarely wonder why we acted the way we did. Evil is known to be a consequence of injury. If you are truly loving, search for the unseen wounds in yourself and your loved ones.
Explore the origins of his meanness so that your perspective can change. No need to excuse her, but you certainly can explain her impulsivity, for example. If she was emotionally neglected, she may have become conceited or fear a lack of approval.
His anger may be masking his fear or even terror. Hate may come more easily to him than love. Please do not misunderstand. Your judgment of his behavior need not change, but your sense of why it occurred can be transformed.
I was going to behave today, but then the day started. Uh oh. Please begin to unearth the reasons for your wrongdoings. Learn to understand the causes as a means of overcoming them. Remember to always use empathetic investigation with yourself and loved ones. It’s been said: Let today be the day you give up who you’ve been for who you will become.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.