In my defense, the internet told me it was a good idea. Uh-oh. Just how guarded are you? Be honest, please. Do you immediately get defensive when she points out a flaw in your otherwise perfect character? Defensiveness is literally behind the failure of most friendships and relationships.
No matter how much you adore him, it is inescapable that with a bit of time, you will stumble upon aspects of his personality that generate frustration or even irritation. What irks you most about her?
You should air your feelings, but what if your partner or friend becomes angry or sad? What if they fiercely defend their irksome behavior? The underlying message you get will be: Why can’t you just accept and love me the way I am?
Asking that is actually contrary to the spirit of true intimacy. It is a monumentally unfair demand to make of someone you purport to care for. Loved ones need not simply accept and deal with your faults and immaturities, sweet friends.
We should all cultivate enough self-awareness and compassion to be accepted and loved for who we strive to be—a better version of ourselves. Who do you hope to be someday? You should perpetually be searching to access your higher self.
It’s been said: The only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you. So, when he gives you feedback, instead of defending and posturing, you might consider welcoming it, provided you trust him. When she offers a sincere observation about you, you may even ask for a second helping. Then again, they say: You rarely see a person crying and eating a second helping of pie at the same time.
Who are you at your worst moments? The spirit of true love deserves to know. Our true friends and loves teach us who we can ultimately become. Indeed, when we are criticized, we may fear rejection or abandonment. But a less defended attitude on your part will allow you to accept the feedback with grace.
If we did not accept that we are all flawed, we could never qualify for a relationship, as there is no perfection in this world. You are loveworthy despite your defects and deficiencies, sweet friends.
A small observation about your snoring or lack of attention should not speed your relationship to a close. You know what they say: Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone. A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. But seriously, your friend is not necessarily trying to wound you. Do not be destroyed by the disapproval.
Offer loved ones the opportunity to unpack their grievances. Acknowledge their disappointments. Trust me, your love is resilient and can tolerate the honesty if shared compassionately.
If you know how to rupture, please learn how to repair. Look for friends and partners who can join you on your journey of self-knowledge. Do not punch people in the face with your words. Always gently point out faults with tact and humanity.
No one wants to hear how perfectly imperfect they truly are. But do you not truly wish to grow into a better version of yourself? And remember: The best place for constructive criticism is in front of the mirror.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Woodmere. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..