Do you ever feel guilt or shame without really being able to put your finger on why? You attended a social event and were convinced that people there did not especially like you. Or maybe you were just there for the free food? Speaking of which, I won’t be impressed with technology till I can download food. But seriously, they say: Some people look for a beautiful place. Others make a place beautiful. If you sensed that no one liked you, is there any evidence for what you came to believe?
Perhaps you feel uncommonly cross or cranky for what seems like no specific reason at all. You lost your keys or burnt your toast and now you are in a “mood.” It is quite possible, sweet friends, that you are truly angry at something entirely different.
Do you go from 0 to “nuclear option” real quick? Maybe you are not big on self-exploration and are not aware that you are really mad at him right now for disappointing you again. Trust me, it is quite a psychological achievement to be aware of what you feel—most especially anger. It’s been observed: Anger is the punishment you give yourself for someone else’s mistake. Anger is just one letter short of danger.
Sadly, some of us turn anger on ourselves in the form of self-hatred, unease, and anxiety. Perhaps your mother or father did not allow you to ever express your resentments or angry feelings. Listen, the parenting skill I’m most proud of is being able to shove a whole candy bar in my mouth and talk normally when a kid walks in. But seriously, you may love her deeply but at times you can be extraordinarily frustrated with her as well.
Sometimes even the best child has a simply awful day. Anger swallowed is a dangerous thing. It can literally turn in on you. Outward expression can be done in a respectful way. Simply say: “I feel angry about this…” If you censor yourself all the time, there is nowhere for your rage to go except back on yourself.
You may say “sorry” even if you didn’t do anything wrong. If he compliments you, do you actually feel uncomfortable receiving it? Are you in the habit of nonchalantly insulting yourself or putting yourself down?
Do you give gentleness and goodwill to everyone but yourself? You were not born feeling self-doubt or self-disgust. Someone somewhere made you feel this way. The blessing, sweet friends, is that you can teach yourself self-love instead.
You are not broken and yes, you deserve love—most especially from yourself. If you continue to swallow your angry feelings, they may find their way out in the form of paranoia or distrust. Instead of admitting that there is someone you wish to take revenge on, it can seem like the whole world is trying to do you in.
Bottled-up anger can get discharged onto so-called “safe” things like kicking the trash can over or displaced onto an innocent husband, wife, or friend. You may be infuriated with your boss but it becomes “Why isn’t dinner ready on time again!”
Next time you feel moody and prickly, take a breath and ask yourself if you are really angry at her right now; and if you are, can you discharge it with civility or even courtesy? Perhaps someone needs a happy meal right about now… It’s been said: The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.
Life will seldom go as you planned. Flights will get delayed. Oh, and if your in-flight movie choices include Gone With the Wind or War and Peace, you just might be in for loooong flight delays. But truly, your friend or mate may not always understand you. If you have unrealistic expectations and high hopes, they will get dashed. And surely, this can make you angry.
Take on board the sad truth about existence, sweet friends. Life can literally present you with a sequence of disappointments at times. You will most likely suffer dejection in your love relationship and ultimately grief.
The key to stress management is having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges. After all, it was once said: The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.