How did you win your parents’ approval and acceptance when you were a child? In order to make Mom or Dad happy, what did you have to do? On the other hand, what did you do that disturbed or distressed them?
We may try to love our family unconditionally, but in reality, we give them subtle and not-so-subtle messages about who we want them to be. You know what they say: All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them. Y’all know the definition of motherhood: the story of coffee getting cold.
But truly, were you expected to excel in school, or look and dress a certain way? Did you begin to think that your value lay in becoming wealthy or in your appearance?
Your attitudes and perspective are shaped by your place of birth as well as your religious or spiritual training. No doubt your family has its own rules and expectations of you. You know what they say: You can have kids or you can have a complete set of silverware. You can’t have them both. But seriously, what did you do to gain your parents’ admiration in those areas?
Months or years after you left home, you may still be taking immense care not to disappoint your mom or anger your dad. Perhaps you always try to appease your boss, friends, or anyone with authority.
How much fulfillment in life do you deserve, sweet friends? Perhaps you had to behave a certain way back when you were young, but how much of that are you still doing to this very day? Take stock of the place and situation you are in now, in the present.
You may spend much of your life stewing, sweating, and stressing over things completely out of your control. Your worries can go on forever, shifting from one topic to another: your work, appearance, relationships, or the world around you.
This literally ruins whatever precious time you have on this earth. Believe it or not, most of what you torment yourself about is deeply out of line with reality. Your work issue most likely found a resolution in the end. Your friendship stayed intact despite the fallout.
Your fear and foreboding are quite unreliable guides to your future. The journey to self-improvement can seem never-ending. It certainly is a slow and oftentimes uncomfortable, lifelong venture.
Even if you are making conscious efforts to improve, the results take time and can be subtle. Your efforts are not going to waste. Ask yourself what kind of person you wish to be. Become aware of how you affect those around you. We all have the power to affect our loved ones and even strangers.
Perhaps you are learning to let go of the ridiculously high standards you once had to achieve perfection. You may be less afraid to open up to her or allow yourself to be vulnerable with him. It’s okay to let those whom you trust know how you feel.
You are not giving in to the fear of being judged by others as often as you once did. This allows you to explore the causes of some of your problems or challenges. Be more selective about the people you spend time with. They say: Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. You know friends come and go. So do fake ones—especially when the snacks run out. But seriously, ask yourself: Is this friend truly good for me?
It’s fine to take his advice, but it is equally essential to be strong and true to what you want and believe. Always remain open to things you wish to know more about. Ask questions. Reflect on where you were one year ago at this time. Have you become a better person?
Find one thing today that you are grateful for, no matter how small. Do indulge yourself. Self-care is not simply about that hot cup of coffee or warm bath. Did you know 12 muscles are activated when you pour a cup of coffee? Fitness is my passion. Heck, I enjoy coffee on special occasions—like “being alive” and “existing.”
But truly, it is about ensuring that your body and brain have enough energy to be productive today. As always—do kind acts, sweet friends. Remember it’s been said: A little kindness from person to person is better than a vast love for all humankind. Have you made anyone feel happy today?
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.