Do you know someone who is consumed with his self-worth? I just got back from the center of the universe. Turns out you weren’t there. Uh-oh.
Does she leave absolutely no room for kindness or empathy? Perhaps you’ve labeled him a narcissist—and maybe he is one. But beware of the term, sweet friends.
In order to thrive and fare well in this life, we must learn to deeply like ourselves. Do you have a sense of your lovability? Your confidence in yourself is generated by love. We all need a hefty dose of that.
Without adequate approval and acceptance, we humans develop a core wound. You may have a feeling of profound inadequacy or neediness. How do you feel about your intelligence, your appearance, or your status in life?
If you feel wounded deep down, you become alive to every perceived criticism or even choose friends who cannot reassure you. Oftentimes, you anticipate negative outcomes. Try to become more aware and conscious of your sense of loss, sweet friends.
When did you first meet the idea that you may be out of touch with your own emotions? Do you accept it? You feel as though you are one unified whole despite the fact that there are clearly many parts of you.
Sure, you may be certain that you want three donuts, but how sure are you about your other choices in life? As they say: If you stop eating donuts, you will live three years longer. It’s just three more years that you want a donut.
What if you came home from work feeling calm and collected, but as soon as your wife reminded you to take out the trash, you became deeply irritated? You know what they say: Every husband, after taking out one bag of trash: “Whew, we really got a lot done today.”
But truly, you may not even be aware of some of the issues that you feel strongly about. It could be that you were taught that certain feelings are unacceptable. As a child, what behaviors would have made your parents call you a good boy or good girl?
When uncomfortable feelings arise, please try to observe them instead of pushing them away or going numb. If you feel let down by her, do not simply chalk it up to being overworked or tired that day. Pro Tip: How to avoid stress at work? Don’t go to work.
But seriously, do not allow yourself to get sad and depressed instead of acknowledging anger or resentment.
Strong feelings can get kicked into action by what seem like trivial things. If your friend got promoted or engaged to be married, you might be thrown into profound jealousy, which you will not dare confess to. Oh, and about that promotion… don’t forget us when you’re rich, famous, and buried in paperwork.
But seriously, your pride may feel utterly wounded if you perceive him not paying attention to you as you share what you think is of utmost importance. You say nothing, as owning up to your fragility seems way too vulnerable.
But trust me, sweet friends. Those emotions will not simply go away. That unreported envy will cause a fight between you and your best friend. The anger you suppressed may come out as an insult to his entire being.
Hurt will oftentimes manifest itself as aggression. Feelings that you do not have a handle on can wreak havoc on you as well. You may develop an addiction or become a hypochondriac, thinking you are forever ill. Do you often feel a sense of anxiety or nameless dread?
We must find better ways to address our feelings. You must learn to be a skilled observer of your emotions. Allocate some time for self-observation. There is surely a gap between what you feel and what you are actually aware of at times.
People often say things which do not align with their true feelings. They may boast and flex when they simply feel small inside. Learn to take a compassionate look at your friends and loved ones when they behave in ways that are off-putting or offensive. If you ignore your negative feelings, the price you pay will be far worse. They will exercise a malign power over you without you ever knowing.
And know that the best revenge is none. Heal, move on, and don’t become like those who hurt you.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.