What skills do you think matter most in your daily life? How would you say courtesy, civility, and politeness rate? Do you even know how to share feelings without unleashing an upheaval or panic?
Fighting can stoke conflict and undermine trust in even the closest relationships. When you decide that you are always right or must have your way, your friend or partner will most likely feel unheard and even disrespected. If your loved one does not honor your wider need for appreciation or recognition, you may become mean, malevolent, or even nasty over a very trivial thing. You know what they say: You can’t have a relationship without any fights. But you can make your relationship worth the fight.
Underneath all that arguing lies a plea for affection and validation. We all wish to be respected and esteemed. How many people in your life truly know how you feel? A true friend will put considerable effort into securing the health of your relationship. We must learn to trade in emotional currency, sweet friends.
How do you feel when she asks you to change in some way? Does he want you to be less defensive, on time more often? I know. You hate waiting for people who are late. That’s why you show up late, just in case.
What holds you back when someone points out difficult things? We all wrestle with demons, my friends. Perhaps you should count your blessings, not your birthdays.
If the person asking you to change offers love and reassurance, you will most likely respond with an open mind. He will confess his own faults, as well. You know what they say: The trouble with an open mind is that people will come along and insist on trying to put things into it.
Please stay calm in the face of mean comments and look for an explanation for why your lovable partner is acting this way, as it is highly unlike her. Is she frightened or worried at this time? Sidestep engaging with him until you can disarm him. Do not avoid the deeper issue and keep a tone of reasonableness.
Be ready to compromise and do not tiptoe around the decisions that must be made. We humans react horribly to criticism. The more accurate it is, the more defensive we tend to get.
We must all learn to make good decisions. Sometimes we rush headfirst into an unexamined solution or simply procrastinate till it is simply too late. Me? I got so much procrastinating done today. Yes, I’m a procrastinator and I’ll think about it tomorrow.
Perhaps you need to look at the issue through different lenses. Clarify your thoughts and learn to be a true friend to yourself first and foremost. You have an enormous challenge. What would a well-meaning friend advise you to do right now?
Do not befriend those who refuse to believe in you. Listen to your inner voice of intuition, please. Always lend an ear to that little voice in the back of your head. Put him on speaker mode if you have to. Of course, you should engage your higher mental powers when making decisions. Nevertheless, you should always invite your intuition to the decision-making table.
You need not always live by what is expected of you from others, or especially by “society.” What are some of the obstacles in your way right now? Indeed, it is wise to exercise caution, sweet friends. But do not dash those hopes and dreams so quickly.
Sure, at times we must follow rules and simply wait in line. After waiting in that line for a half an hour, she says: “Can I help you?” And you say: “No, I just waited for 30 minutes to say Hi.” Uh-oh. But truly, be leery of dictates and rules that were instituted without your best interest in mind.
Of course, self-control is always in order. But we all know that real self-control is not eating your food before the movie starts. Then again, they say: Old people shouldn’t eat health foods; they need all the preservatives they can get.
Sometimes you need to have the courage to do the unexpected thing in your life. What was the last risk you took? For all the gardeners out there: Keep rooting for yourself. Why do gardeners make good detectives? Because they have all the dirt. Aww.
But truly, it’s been said: The hardest part of the journey is believing that you are worthy of the trip.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.