In case you want to know where I am financially, I just bought a pair of glasses that’s exactly the same prescription as my old glasses. This is after I pushed off going to the optometrist for as long as possible.
I hadn’t been to the optometrist in 3 years. He even commented that this was a long time. It was so long that they made me fill out all new paperwork, even though I told them that none of my information had changed. They didn’t believe me. I had to write it on paper, which they then believed. I think they’d just thrown out my file by accident and were trying to save face.
The only thing that maybe changed is that I’m taking different prescription medications. Every doctor makes you list those on the form so they don’t give you a prescription that conflicts with something you’re already taking. But I don’t think the prescription that an optometrist gives will conflict with anything. Except maybe the old glasses prescription. But he has to know about it, so he can tell you whether, in addition to wearing the new glasses he prescribes, you should also stop wearing the old glasses.
The reason I finally went to the optometrist was that my lenses were all scratched. And I don’t know how that happened, because I’ve been so careful with these. Ever since I got them, I decided that I would do everything the experts recommended: I would never put them down lens-first, I would only ever clean them with approved glasses cloths as opposed to my shirt…
Every time you get glasses, they come with a cleaning cloth. And you’re like, “How many do I need? Why do I need a cleaning cloth at all? I’m literally wearing cloth all the time! Where am I going that I won’t have any cloth on me that I can use? A sauna?”
But then I was told, “You can’t use your clothing. There could be sharp items in the fibers of your shirt.” There shouldn’t be sharp fibers in any shirt, but I’m buying my shirts at Costco, so who knows.
And the cleaning cloths say “Costco” too, so how are those better?
In case you’re wondering where I am financially, I get my glasses from Costco.
I like Costco, because it’s a store for people who hate shopping. “Hey, you like paper towels? Here’s enough for a lifetime. Don’t use it on your glasses.”
Because apparently, paper towels can also cause micro-scratches. So can tissues. Really? The Shabbos tissues in shul I understand, but at home we have Puffs. They don’t irritate your nose, but glasses are more delicate. Despite me springing for scratch-resistant. If scratch-resistant lenses can’t protect your glasses from the wrong kind of cloth, what can it protect against?
Thankfully, I’ve had numerous pairs of glasses in my lifetime, so I have enough cleaning cloths that I can keep them all over the place, wherever I might need them. I have one in my work bag, one at my desk, one in each car, one in my weekday davening jacket, and one in my Shabbos tallis bag so I don’t have to use my tallis, because I don’t know if the scratch resistance works against the atara.
But after 3 years of being super careful, the glasses were scratched up anyway. So I asked the doctor how that could be, and he said, “Life happens.” And I said, “What do you mean ‘life happens’?! The only thing I’ve ever cleaned this with is my breath and glasses cloths!”
And he said, “Oh, you should wash your cloths once a month. There can be debris on those.”
This is something that science did not seem to know 3 years ago. How filthy do these things get?
Well, that depends. What are you breathing onto it?
I literally just had a mint.
So I can’t use my shirt, because shirts are too tough and can have debris in the fibers. Instead, I have to use glasses cloths, and I have to wash those cloths once a month. I wash my shirts once a week!
There’s no way I’m going to remember to put all of the cleaning cloths back in the various corners of my life once they come out of the laundry. It took me 40 years to even create this system. Also, putting tiny microfiber cloths in a load of laundry is a good way of getting them stuck to every larger item of clothing we put in there. People will be pulling cloths off of us all around town.
I suppose we could do a tiny load of laundry that is just glasses cloths. Add another load to the once-a-month roster. “Blankets and glasses cloths.” But not together. I could ask my whole family to throw their cloths in, and then set the machine load size to “tiny” and “delicate”, and then fold them all and figure out whose is whose despite that they’re all the same size.
Anyway, the doctor gave me a choice: He asked, “Do you want me to give you a prescription that will allow you to read better, or do you want to keep the same prescription, and you’ll able to see distance better? What do you do more – reading or distance vision?”
And I said, “Honestly? Distance reading. I’m a teacher who shines a projector on the board, and I also sit at my desk and stare at a computer screen.” My students write essays on computers, and the first thing I do before reading them is increase the zoom percentage. And then I hand it back, and they’re like, “Why is this all blown up?” And I’m like, “I don’t know; computers are weird. But here’s how to shrink it.”
To be honest, if I can’t see something close, I have to take off my glasses and squint, but if I can’t see something at a distance, I have to get up. You can guess which one I’d rather do.
I also told him, “I’m not buying here anyway. I’m going to Costco.” And he said, “Costco glasses don’t last.”
You literally just told me that my glasses lasted too long.
So I go to Costco to get the same prescription of glasses that I had before, and maybe at least another free cleaning cloth to add to my collection, so that I could now also clean my glasses in bed, in case I need to see in the dark. (That is a third prescription.)
It’s not that weird to get the same prescription again. It’s like if you go to the doctor and they say you should keep taking the same medication as before, and you ask, “Then why did I have to come in?” Which is actually something I say.
I also own several identical pairs of pants, not to mention socks.
We get into the store, and my wife says, “I’m going to do some shopping; you pick a bunch of pairs that you like.”
So I narrow it down – I don’t want glasses that scream, “Look! I have glasses!”; I don’t want glasses that look incredibly different from the ones I’m already wearing; I don’t want any frames that are too big or too small or of a color that only goes with some of my pants.
I end up with six pairs, and my wife comes back and narrows it down to one. And then she goes, “Wait. This is the exact frame you’ve been wearing the past 3 years.” And I’m getting the exact prescription I’ve been wearing all that time.
She said, “I can’t believe you picked the same frame.”
And I said, “No, that was you. I picked it as an option out of six.” Albeit without realizing.
Anyway, in case you’re wondering if I’m someone who’s careful with his money, I now have the exact same pair of glasses again, but I paid more money for it. And now everyone’s going to look at me and think, “New glasses?” They’re not going to be sure.
But that’s good for me. One of the things I don’t like about getting new items of clothing is that for weeks afterward, people are like, “New shirt?” and this is not a conversation I want to have – about some clothing I purchased two months ago. I hate shopping; I blocked it out. I don’t need to recollect where I bought it and why. Especially to my students, who live to point these things out to distract from the lesson.
“Tischadesh on the glasses!” they’d say. Which to them is the highest of compliments. And then the others would agree.
But this way, my students will be squinting at me, thinking, “Wait, are those new glasses? No, I think they’re the same.” And they’re not going to comment if they’re not sure.
This is the strategy that’s been working for me for pants and shirts.
So I actually like the idea of being able to tell my students, “What? No, these are the same glasses!”
“Aren’t they less scratched up?”
“That is a weird thing for you to notice. You’re sitting too close.”
“Yeah, I can’t see the board otherwise.”
“You should get new glasses!”
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.