Are planes actually safer than cars? Everyone says they are.
For one thing, no one makes you take your shoes off before you get into a car. You can also bring liquids into a car. So there are literally zero security precautions.
And on top of that, cars have only one driver, and maybe a shotgun passenger who helps by inhaling sharply during close calls. I don’t think this is the copilot’s entire duty.
On the other hand, it’s not like flying is that safe either, because #1, you have to take a car to get to your plane. And #2, there are all these stories in the news recently about safety issues with planes that don’t really happen to cars. As much.
For example, in July, a first-time flyer on an Air China flight opened the emergency door on a plane while looking for the bathroom.
Yeah, because that’s where the bathroom probably is: On the wall with all the windows.
But I mean this was her first time flying, and on one had given her the grand tour.
She had to at the very least have been wondering why all the mechanisms to unlock the door were on her side of the door.
The bright side of this story is that it happened while the plane was still on the tarmac. But the evacuation slide still deployed. So everyone had to get off the plane, and the flight was cancelled. Point is, I’ve never seen this kind of thing happen in, say, a coach bus.
“Oh, I thought this was the bathroom.”
And if you’re thinking, “Well, what are the chances that somebody’s going to open the door of my plane?” you’re right. The door could also open by itself.
In January, according to a recent news article, “Passengers on a flight traveling from Oregon to California were shocked when, just a few minutes into the flight, one of the plane doors fell off.”
I’d say shocked is an understatement. Were they also dismayed?
Well, they were when the plane landed right back in Oregon.
According to the article, the door came off just a few minutes into the flight, hopefully before they’d turned off the seat belt sign.
One might say that planes are safer than cars, but a door never falls off your car at 30,000 feet.
No one fell out, B”H. But passengers panicked and, quote, “sent what they thought would be their final text messages in this world” to loved ones. As opposed to the many text messages they would send in the next world.
Wait a minute. I thought everyone was on airplane mode.
And if you’re thinking, “It could have been worse. At least the plane didn’t lose a wheel,” that’s happened too. Twice.
In March, a United Airlines flight taking off from San Francisco lost a tire. During takeoff. The tire went bouncing down the runway and hit a car in the parking lot.
See, this is why planes are safer than cars – because a tire never falls off a car and hits a plane.
And then in July, a United Airlines flight from LA to Denver lost a tire during takeoff. Why this always happens California I don’t know, and I don’t want to speculate.
Both flights landed safely, because planes have more tires than you’d think. Though they also have multiple doors, so I don’t know why they had to land that plane immediately just because they’d lost a door.
But then, there are some things that planes cannot live without. In April, a Delta flight from JFK to LA had to land back in JFK, because the emergency slide had separated from the plane. Shortly after takeoff.
See, takeoff is the problem, clearly. This always happens during takeoff. They should just skip takeoff.
It actually didn’t land on someone’s house. It washed up two days later at the oceanfront home of a lawyer. But don’t worry – he’s suing anyway. This is what lawyers do. Like if it washed up outside my oceanfront home, I would write about it.
Also, I’d be very shocked that I had an oceanfront home, as a writer. But not dismayed.
Also in April, a Southwest Airlines flight from Denver had to land back in Denver, because the engine cover fell off. And yes, they had to land right away, because once the engine cover falls off, it’s only a matter of time before the engine falls off. Which could be a problem. Not as much as an inflatable slide landing in the ocean, but still.
What is happening with all of these planes losing parts, though? Should we check their mezuzos?
In fact, it’s become normal to look out the window of a plane and see duct tape on the wing.
“Duct tape?”
This is why you maybe don’t want a window seat. Nothing to instill panic like seeing duct tape on the wing. Or seeing an engine cover fly off.
But I mean if a door falls off, you’re aware of it even if you’re not in a window seat.
And the truth is that it’s not actually duct tape. It’s something called speed tape. It’s made specifically for planes, and it can withstand winds of up to 600 mph, as well as moisture, flame, and chemicals, and it’s rated to handle temperatures up to 300 degrees. What I want to know is why they can’t sell this at Home Depot before Pesach. And Sukkos.
And in case you think the airlines might have fixed the problem by now, I saw a story this morning titled, “Flight Attendant Held up Broken Bathroom Door for Entire 16-Hour Trip from Hong Kong to JFK.”
But oh, for this they don’t turn the plane around.
Though it could be worse. It’s better than the door of the plane coming off and having to hold that up for 16 hours. And at least all the new passengers will know which one’s the bathroom.
According to reports, the door came off its hinges 3 minutes into the flight. The flight attendants tried to fix it, but they could not. You know how in all these plane stories, they call out, “Is there a doctor on board?” Why can’t they ask, “Is there a handyman on board?” I guess they don’t bother because no one’s allowed to fly with tools. Safety! You wouldn’t want a passenger hanging off the side of a plane, trying to reattach the engine cover.
“No, I’ll be okay. I do this all the time.”
This is a problem that could have been handled with duct tape.
And this is not the only way airlines are going downhill. According to reports, European airline Finnair has started weighing passengers. And people are not happy.
“Don’t weigh me like I’m the problem. I’m not the reason the doors are falling off your plane.”
I know it seems demeaning, but I don’t know enough science to know why we weren’t doing this all along. Anyone who’s been on a rowboat knows you can’t have all the weight on one side. Also, they weigh everything else that goes on the plane. And they weigh the plane. But the passengers have to remain a mystery.
True, it’s none of anyone’s business how much you weigh, is what you can scream as the plane goes into a barrel roll.
The other way around this is that they can have an employee under the plane shifting the luggage around to compensate. Like they give him a carpenter’s level… Maybe that’s what the co-pilot is for.
The pilot radios down, “Move some stuff around; we need to turn right!”
“I’m working as fast as I can!”
And speaking of controversial airline decisions, there’s a new airline that caters to dogs. It’s called “Bark Air.”
It used to be that if dogs had to fly somewhere for an important business trip, they had to sit in a crate in the cargo hold, and be schlepped back and forth by the copilot every time the plane needed to turn. But this way, they get to fly like a mensch in a plane full of dogs who are just now discovering what turbulence is. And ear popping.
“Here; chew some gum.”
I picture a plane flying by and all the dogs’ heads are out the window.
And yes, there are people on the plane. It’s not just two pilots and some flight attendants and a hundred dogs bounding up the aisle as soon as the flight attendants come out with the meals. Every dog ticket allows them to bring one human onto the plane, assuming that human meets the weight guidelines. But it’s a human who is up for the antics that might happen on a plane full of dogs.
“Um, miss? I think I swallowed my gum.”
I actually think someone should open a similar thing, but for babies. “Cry Air”?
“Here; have some gum.”
Why am I including this in a safety article? In case you accidentally book a ticket with this airline. (“Hey, it’s a new airline! Maybe nothing will fall off!”) And you’re like, “Boy, there are a lot of dogs on this flight!”
Also, I cannot imagine how many “passengers” are going to be scratching at the emergency door when they have to use the bathroom.
“What are you talking about? This is totally the bathroom! Hold onto my leash.”
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.