The fun thing about our elders is that most of the time we ask them why they’re doing something, they’re very happy to tell us. But when the thing they’re doing is something that everyone associates with being old, they usually don’t. Or we don’t always ask them. We just assume this is just something they do “because they’re old.”

But that’s ridiculous. That’s like saying that someone died of old age. Nobody dies of old age. Mesushelach didn’t die of old age. People die of things. It happens to be that when you’re around for long enough, you accumulate things.

“Just because they’re old” is never the answer. That’s one thing I’m learning in my… whatever these years are called.

Some people might say I’m old. Those people might be my kids. I’m not saying names. And yes, it happens to be that most of the people in my day-to-day life are younger than me, and from the way they talk, are probably going to stay that way. Also, I am currently a good 10-15 years older than my father was when he started calling himself old. Which he’s been doing as long as I’ve known him. My father’s been old since he was younger than me. So just going by family history…

I’m actually at this magical age where everyone younger than me is young and everyone older than me is old. I’m at this like middle… age, I guess. That’s what I might call it.

I’m not old. Everyone older than me is old. But I am close enough in age to those people that I can get a peek behind the curtain and say, “Oh.” Turns out, some of the things we take for granted about older people actually have reasons. Because old people were all young once. And when they were young, they too knew about all these things that old people do. And we think, “Well, maybe they didn’t know about these things, because when they were young, an old person was like 35!” But I bet that in those days, the 35-year-olds did these things.

And yet now they do these things. And we will too, someday, IY”H. And it’s nice to know why before we start. The elderly didn’t randomly decide one day, “Alright, I’m old and I’m walking slow! It’s my turn to annoy the youth behind me! I don’t have anywhere to be!”

Of course they have somewhere to be. Everyone has somewhere to be. At the very least, they started their trip with “Let’s leave so we can come back.”

Nor was it a group decision. It’s not like all the old people got together at some Elders meeting and said, “Okay, here’s a list of things we all legally have to do because we’re old.”

And everyone said, “What?”

“What did he say?”

“I too am cold!”

“Your tooth is gold?!”

“I have a bird I like to hold!”

Which brings us to our first example:

Why their hearing is going

Every once in a while, I find myself trying to buy some kind of professional ear-cleaning tools, because Q-Tips are supposedly worse for you the more satisfying they are to use, but metal springy torturey-looking implements might be better, or at least they’re advertised as so. I keep considering this because my hearing seems to be going, as is evidenced by the fact that first of all, I keep getting into more and more trouble with my wife for not hearing things she claims she said, which alternatively could also be her thinking she said things but not actually having said those things because she’s getting older along with me, although I would never tell her that to her face. This is why I have articles.

But it could be because my hearing is going.

Not only that, but I have a son who mumbles things at me and I don’t hear him either. And I tell him to repeat himself, and he does, but it doesn’t sound any louder.

Also, every time I’m on the phone, I have to turn up the volume even though I can swear that the previous time I turned up the volume.

I’m also not sure whether chasunah music has gotten louder over the years, or whether the people who think so are just getting older. This might not be an age thing, though, because there is a certain logic that says that either:

  1. Speakers have gotten more powerful.
  2. The musicians who are standing next to the speakers are slowly losing their hearing and have to keep turning the volume up every day, or else
  3. They’re actually wearing earplugs, so it doesn’t sound that loud to them, which is why they keep turning it up.

So it could be that as people get older, they think that their hearing is going, but really it’s a combination of their teenagers mumbling, their wives not having the energy to project as loud when they’re announcing things across the house, and probably earwax buildup.

Why they walk slowly

Another thing we tend to misunderstand is why old people walk slowly. They don’t even hide that. They just do it out in the open. But here’s the thing, and I kind of figured this out a few years ago already, when I was 36, which is the year that your back goes out. In my case, while cleaning up from Pesach the night before I had to go to the supermarket to restock my entire house:

Every time I have an injury or some kind of painful medical issue, I walk slowly too, because you don’t want to make a sudden move that will agitate it and have you lying on the floor in middle of the aisle. So better I walk slowly down the aisle -- and I know that people are behind me, because it’s not like my hearing is going. But number one, I need to walk right in the center of the aisle, so I could move in either direction if I see someone coming at me really slowly the other way; and number two, if I pick up the pace, I might end up on the floor, and you’ll have to lift your cart over me while I direct you. So I’m going to keep walking slowly.  Yes, I have somewhere to be, but I wouldn’t be in middle of a supermarket with a bad back if I didn’t have to be here too.

So if someone’s walking slow, there’s probably pain involved. It’s not a mental thing. And it’s one thing if I was wearing a leg brace or something – then everyone would be like, “Oh, he’s walking slowly because he has a leg brace. It’s hard to walk in those.” They’d be understanding about it. But there was no visual for my back, other than me putting about 80% of my weight on the handle of the shopping cart. People need a visual in order to be understanding. For example, whenever I have an ingrown toenail, people come into town from miles around to bump into my toe. People run over to me at weddings… And the dancing circle is the worst.

This is why people wear braces and slings even if they don’t help. Everyone feels bad. No one says, “Well, why are you buying groceries if your leg is broken?” They know you have no choice. The kids need chometz. But when it’s your back, people think you’re just “Walking like an old person.”

So looking older is like a permanent leg brace. Everyone says, “Oh, that’s why he’s walking slowly – he’s older!” and you don’t have to turn around and say, “Actually, today it’s because I put the Q-tip in too far.”

You never know why someone’s walking slowly, so don’t assume. Even people who are not what you’d consider old can have injuries. Like when you see an entire family walking side by side in front of you down the sidewalk very slowly in a way that you can’t get around, don’t judge. Maybe the entire family has ingrown toenails. It could be genetic.

Why they don’t want to get sick

I mean no one wants to get sick, but no one doesn’t want to get sick like old people. It’s always on the forefront of their minds. And it’s not even always because it might take them down, chas v’shalom, and everyone will say, “Welp! Old age.” Sometimes they’re just sick of dealing with these things. They’ve already had this flu like 75 times.

Even I feel that way about certain things. Like after 18 years of yelling at my students to stop yelling so I can yell grammar at them, I have weakened my throat to the point where I absolutely don’t want people to cough near me. I’ve already written an article just last year about having a cough for 2 months straight. I don’t want to get a cough for another two months that I now can’t even write about. Because everyone’s going to say, “Again? I already read about this!”

Yeah, I feel for you.

So the elderly are like, “A stomach virus? Again? I’ve already had this so many times. I’m sick of dry toast, and I’m sick of ginger ale, and I’m sick of going to bed with a bucket.”

And they also don’t want to get sick because they’re going to be walking funny again, and then everyone’s going to judge them again. And at some point, they’re like, “People are going to think I’m walking funny because I’m old, and that’s less of a hassle because I’m not hiding the fact that I’m old. They know I’m old.” Not every malady is something you want to share with some stranger in the store. You save those long-winded explanations of what’s wrong with you for your loved ones.

Anyway, that’s it for today, because I need a nap. But eventually we’ll revisit this topic, if we remember, and assuming we don’t come up with new more-informed peshatim for the things we just discussed, we might explore some other ancient mysteries such as:

-So then why do they also drive slow?

-Wait, why do they love sharing their medical history with their loved ones?

-Naps, obviously.

And also why they always have hard candy on hand.

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop.  He also does freelance writing for hire.  You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.