Reut* was thrilled when her husband Kobi* finally returned from Gaza after the ceasefire took effect. For the first time in months, she allowed herself to exhale. He had served in every single one of the unit’s seven rounds of reserve duty, never once missing a call-up. Now, at last, there was no next date looming. But it didn’t take long for her to realize something was terribly wrong.
Concerned, she called Bentzy, the unofficial “go-to” support figure for the reserve unit’s wives. Due to his experience and long-standing service with the unit, along with his inability to fight in combat because of his age, Bentzy supports the chayalim but not necessarily in a logistical way. Thinking that Kobi would need a few sessions with a mental health officer, Bentzy asked Reut to bring Kobi back to the base to speed up the process. After examination, it was determined that Kobi needed immediate hospitalization. His wife had literally saved his life. Baruch Hashem, she knew to whom to turn.
N’shot ha’miluimnikim, the wives of reserve soldiers, bear much of the burden of this war. While caring citizens offer them ongoing support, the army is increasingly supporting them as well. Bentzy explained that the commanders realized that to successfully retain reserve soldiers, they must help their families. It is often challenging for these women to maintain their homes and families on their own. Even when they identify with the cause and understand the importance of the mission, juggling the responsibilities of both parents can often be overwhelming. Sometimes, it is even impossible to plan anything because the chayalim can be called back at any moment.
During every round of duty, there were women who called the commander to say it was too difficult for them. In such circumstances, the commanders encouraged the chayalim to go home. Sometimes they told the chayalim not to come for that round at all. They found that this approach works: The chayal skips a round and then comes back stronger the next time.
Bentzy’s wife spearheaded a day for the couples at the Dan Hotel in Herzliya. This was the first time the army provided such a program for the wives as well. The goal was for the women to understand that they are not alone, that their challenges are similar to those of the other women in the unit. Bentzy hopes to provide more programs like this in the future.
Bentzy tries to help the women with issues that come up; otherwise, he refers them to places where they can get the help they need. In addition, much of his time and effort goes to supporting the families of those whose loved ones were killed in battle. They are in constant contact with the widow of Maor Lavie, whom I wrote about in a previous column. Every Thursday night, they send her and her children pizza for dinner, and they send big presents for the chagim and birthdays. They even helped her move to a new home.
Bentzy recalls when Maor was killed. It was the same time my son had a baby. He described the unreal and heartbreaking experience of burying Maor at Har Herzl Cemetery, visiting my son at the hospital just down the road, and then visiting another chayal wounded in the same incident just a few floors away in the same hospital. The conflicting emotions were a lot to hold.
Since the start of the war, the wives of the chayalim have had a WhatsApp group. During the last round, which began before the chagim, the commanders opened another group for the families to share encouraging videos and updates. After the incident involving Reut and Kobi, they sent out a message describing PTSD symptoms and asking family members to watch for them. Bentzy is planning a Chanukah event for the soldiers and their wives, as well as an event for extended families around Yom HaAtzmaut. He is also preparing for the next round of fighting, whenever it will be.
I also spoke with Avi,* who has been serving in various roles in his unit for 25 years. Among other things, he was the second deputy of the unit, capable of leading a secondary effort and also replacing the commander if needed, chas v’shalom. As a soldier who does not want to leave the army even after passing the age of service, he is assigned non-combat roles. He is now the commander of the unit’s support division. What this meant before October 7 was that when 75% of the unit would cross the border, he would be in charge of the remaining 25% who stayed behind to ensure that the soldiers had everything they needed logistically to fight. After October 7, his job changed as the home front became the front line.
Soldiers in Gaza felt they were safer than their families living on the northern and southern borders. Women and children faced rocket attacks and evacuations. One woman’s car was hit and totaled by a rocket, and her husband didn’t even know. These women are now living on the front lines.
When the war broke out, many veteran soldiers in their 60s and 70s, who had fought in the Yom Kippur and First Lebanon Wars, called to ask if they could return to fight. Avi said that although they could not fight in combat, they could still be useful on the civil front. They opened a WhatsApp group designed to help these men volunteer their time and expertise for whatever is needed. From their own military experience, they understand the challenges caused by the disconnection between husbands and wives during wartime.
Avi is always available by phone, and women call him for assistance with the issues they face. One woman was unable to get a mortgage because her husband was at the front and couldn’t sign the papers. Someone in the group who had a connection at the bank made a phone call, and the mortgage was approved shortly thereafter. Sometimes the women need home maintenance. Avi sends his veterans or local chayalim who work in home maintenance to handle those problems. One woman called asking for someone to fold her laundry. Avi called a veteran who runs a successful accounting firm and told him, “Today, you are going to fold laundry.” The veteran happily arrived at her door with coffee and Danishes, then sat and folded piles of laundry. Whatever it takes.
Avi sent out a Google form for the wives to use to indicate their needs. They listed home maintenance, childcare, finding employment, taking cars for tests, and help with authorities (e.g., tax, National Insurance). Avi responded to the women immediately, so they knew they had support. The women have come to trust Avi implicitly and often send messages to their husbands through him.
Avi’s contacts abroad provide financial assistance. When Avi was told that the family of a chayal needed money, he wired them funds. When another request for the same family came in shortly thereafter, he sent one of his veterans to assess the situation. He found a family with four kids living without beds, bookshelves, or games. The only decoration was a “Worker of the Month” certificate hanging on the wall. Avi arranged for a total home makeover.
Early in the war, the support Avi provided for the families was unique. Over time, awareness of the need for this kind of support has grown, and it is now more common.
Bentzy and Avi both call the women heroes. Their ability to hold down the home front gives the chayalim the peace of mind they need to serve. Knowing that their families are taken care of allows them to focus on their mission. Behind every chayal on the front lines stands a woman fighting her own battle at home with courage, devotion, and emunah.
Please continue to daven for the return of the bodies that are still in Gaza, the healing of the wounded, comfort for the bereaved, and the safe return of all soldiers and rescue personnel.
*Names changed
Suzie Steinberg, (nee Schapiro), CSW, is a native of Kew Gardens Hills and resident of Ramat Beit Shemesh who publishes articles regularly in various newspapers and magazines about life in general, and about life in Israel in particular. Her recently published children’s book titled Hashem is Always With Me can be purchased in local Judaica stores as well as online. Suzie can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and would love to hear from you.