Authors Note: I may have written about a similar topic years ago, but I can’t find it because I don’t remember the title. The article was about a Facebook post and the reaction it garnered. It involved dating, and how people feel about...something. It’s not in any article that has been published since 2019. I checked. I’m taking the chance and hoping this was not the topic. If this is very similar to another article, I apologize, but I hope, for most of you, it will be new.
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I was on Facebook the other day (yes, I still go on FB and it’s particularly to try to find topics like this to write about) and came across a post from a woman – I’m not sure if she was young or old. (Notice that I typed old and not “more mature.” I hate writing the word old. It feels almost like an insult to the person, so I try to change it up. Not here. The way this post was written told me that the poster was in no way mature, and neither were the ladies, and some men, who replied.) The post was about how the poster went on a bad date, “I was bored to tears” (but no other details), and the excuse she provided at the end of the night of why she didn’t want to go out with the fellow again. She asked readers to post all the lamest or craziest lines they ever used to get out of a second date or even to break up with “a guy you’ve been dating.” I put my head in my hands. This is another example of how cruel adults can be to one another on purpose, with thought put into their actions. And people were encouraging others to “borrow” the same lines and use in their life if necessary.
I was always told to paint myself and project myself in the best light, because there are many others who will willfully rain on your parade and paint you in a dark light towards others. That being said, why would anyone want to put it out there for the world to see why they refused to date someone? Most of the screen names were real names or something similar, with their picture! We can see who you are and now we know what you’re doing. The thread was asking for petty/crazy excuses, so none of the answers will be, “Dor Yeshorim told us it wasn’t advisable to continue seeing each other.” The people who posted on this thread (and on others) seem unapologetic about their behavior. They even seem proud of it. Why?
Are these singles the same ones complaining about not being able to find the “right one”? Maybe they should give someone a real chance before moving on. Yes, you can tell by first impressions how the date will go, but sometimes you can be wrong. I was surprised a few times when I thought the date was a dud and the date wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. You only get out what you put in, right? So, if you’re not going to put your full self, maybe the other person won’t either. And there you have it, a chance lost because two people didn’t really try. But that’s a different topic altogether. Here, everyone seemed to be trying to outdo everyone else by their excuses.
But back to the topic. Over 100 people posted what they have told shadchanim or the dates themselves about why they didn’t want to go out again. Some of the gems that stood out were:
“He had a gross pimple on his nose that was ready to pop. I thought it would explode on the date. But I told the shadchan he didn’t have the right look for me. Lol!”
“He asked a million questions about everything! I couldn’t take it and told him the “why” questions were cute on four-year-olds, but annoying on a 40-year-old.”
“We were the same height. I just couldn’t deal with that. I told him it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but it is what it is.”
“Said our astrological signs didn’t match and we were doomed from the start.”
“When he texted me, he spelled everything wrong. It wasn’t just because he was texting either. He spelled short words wrong, too. I just can’t deal with that. I suggested he buy a dictionary.”
“I can’t date anyone who owns a pet.”
“You’re way too frum for me. I didn’t think you like this this frum.”
“I told him once he stopped dressing like an old man to give me a call.”
“Newsflash! Your white shirt sleeves are not a napkin. I said I couldn’t stand to feel like I was eating with a toddler every time we went out.”
“I told him that I’d love to hang out with him, go to a game or something, but I didn’t see him as dating material.”
“Work is getting really busy now. I may not have time to date anymore.”
“He drove as slow as a blind old man. I said if we dated, I’d have to do all the driving. He called me pushy; I called an Uber.”
“Told her that if she can’t eat meat, then she can’t be with me. I’m not going out with a rabbit. Eat real food!”
“Seriously, it’s me, not you. I’m just not in a good head space right now.”
I think you can all see where I’m going with this.
I hope some people made up some of what they posted. I hate thinking of the damage they could have done. They sounded so callous. Real people may have been affected by their words. I hope some lines were just posted to “be part of the crowd.” Many people had an issue with correct spelling and grammar that were used prior to the actual date or after the first date. It was written, “If he/she is too lazy to click on Spell Check, then I am too busy to date him/her.”
Others wrote that many professionals, such as those with PhDs, don’t know how to spell because the computer corrects it for them. “So, they have the degree, but are really so stupid.” Again, what? This is why you say you can’t date anymore? bc of a few tYpos? Real mature reasoning there.
I really try my best to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and not think negatively about a someone; but if these are the real reasons why people are breaking up with others, then how can these same people complain that there aren’t any good ones left? They are eliminating potential good ones because of their height, driving, spelling, and pimples! I’ll tell you one thing: My father’s handwriting is like chicken scratch (though, not according to him), but he has perfect spelling and grammar. And he made the perfect husband for my mother (who had excellent penmanship).
There are so many singles out there of all ages who want to get married. They try to face each date with the mindset of “This may be the one for me.” How do they know they aren’t being rejected because they had some food stuck in their teeth, or the person they were out with didn’t like the frames of their glasses? It’s not fair. The people who posted their excuses and laughed at others seemed very flippant about the whole thing. If someone was serious about dating, they would look deeper into a person and if necessary, break up with them based on something that they truly feel that they can’t live with.
The little things that they wrote about are just that, little. They have no importance in the big picture. If you want a lame excuse, great – but I find it hurtful to point out something the other person can’t change or isn’t responsible for as a reason for the break up. Remember the fellow who told me he couldn’t date me because he knew who my brother-in-law was? Not my fault my sister chose to be with a great, patient, understanding, kind man to spend her life with. Glad he showed me that by dating him I wouldn’t be doing the same.
I just don’t know what to say about this. Can the people who posted on this thread complain that there is a shidduch crisis when they are rejecting people based on their pronunciation of words and their choice in footwear? The old adage comes to mind that those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. No one is perfect. Do you want to be judged for something that was Mother Nature’s fault or for a moment of klutziness?
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..