I have always said that I’m here to be a friend when you need one or an ear to vent to. Someone has taken me up on my offer and needs a little pep talk, a little positivity push to actually do what she wants to do. I’m here for my readers in any way they need me.
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Dear Goldy:
I’m divorced (eight months). I was married for six years and have one child. I tried to make it work, but I was always the one giving in and compromising or saying “I’m sorry” just to move the conversation or situation along. He was Mr. Right, but not for me; he thought his opinion and feelings were always the right ones and mine weren’t. He wasn’t open to therapy, no matter how much I asked. So here I am.
I’ve been out of the dating circle for about eight years. Things have changed, but like a bike, I’m getting used to it again. I have been out with a few men. One of them was really nice and caring, but I wasn’t feeling it. I listened to my gut and broke it off. My friends try to set me up with good, stable guys. But I’m not finding them interesting at all. I’m open to getting married again. My marriage wasn’t a nightmare; it just wasn’t pleasant, because my partner wasn’t willing to meet halfway on anything.
My friend has a cousin who is about 13 years older than me. We’ve met on several occasions; all of my friend’s family simchos, having Shabbos lunch at my friend’s house when he was also invited, etc. This man never married, and I never understood why. He’s kind, nice, adventurous, outgoing, big baal chesed/baal tz’dakah, financially stable, responsible – all the good stuff, as you would say. He did have a weight issue, but he’s lost a lot of weight in the last two years and has kept it off. The weight was the only thing I was able to think of that kept him single, but I could be wrong.
I want to ask my friend if she would set up her cousin with me, or ask him if he’s interested. I know the age gap is wide, but I don’t mind. There are a couple of issues I’m thinking about, though: One is that he has always spoken about wanting children and I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me (I had issues getting pregnant and had a complicated first pregnancy). All I know is that I like him. I’ve always been myself around him, never pretended to be more than I was, like some people do on a date, because I never dated him. I was married and before that, he wasn’t even a blip on my dating radar.
I know you’re going to say, “Go for it,” but I’m a little hesitant about asking my friend, because he may say no and then it’ll be awkward when I see him next time. I would tell my friend to say she thought of the idea herself, and leave me out of it, to save myself any embarrassment, but I would still know he didn’t want to date me. Can I ask her why she never thought of the idea? Do you think it could be because of the age gap? The men I’ve gone out with since my divorce are around my age, within five years and nothing is happening there. The gap doesn’t bother me because I already know him as a person, not very well, but well enough to know I want to learn more about him. I don’t think of him as “older.” My ex was in my age range. Just because ages match doesn’t mean people do.
I guess I’m asking you for a pep talk before doing this. Do you mind providing one?
Chanah
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Thank you for your email, Chanah.
You are exactly right! I’m going to tell you to go for it. You have nothing to lose. By doing this, you are also taking control of one part of your life and doing what you want instead of waiting for your friends to set you up with someone they think may be good match.
And I am in love with the fact that the age difference doesn’t matter to you. Some people may say, “She has a kid, of course she wants someone older, stable, and financially sound, etc.” But I think along the lines that you do. Age shouldn’t matter. You dated (and married) men who are within five years of your age and where has that gotten you? You’re still here. Getting back into the dating scene must be scary from everything you’ve heard from others and read in my column and in other columns and books – but good for you to not being closed off to marriage and trying to get right back into it.
But, Chanah, if I’m being completely honest with you, you wrote that the age gap didn’t matter because you know him as a person. I agree with that because, once you get to know someone, you don’t see his flaws or imperfections, you see him for who he is. But you also wrote that he wasn’t even a blip on your dating radar before you were married. Was that because of the age gap? Did you think he was too old for you then? Maybe you did and maybe you didn’t. But you’ve matured since then and you see the world and situations differently than you did eight years ago.
I understand that you may have concerns of having child(ren) in the future with him because of your difficulties with your first pregnancy. But you would have the same worry with any fellow, and I would say especially with a younger man. Maybe you are making this into a bigger issue because of his age. Maybe you think he’d want a child right away because he wouldn’t want to be a father that can’t play on the floor or ride bikes with his child because arthritis has kicked in (just a joke). Any man would want a child of his own. But that is a conversation for another time. First, let’s get you out with him!
Ask your friend any way you want. She can suggest it as her own idea and not mention you in the planning of this. I don’t think it would help asking her why she never thought of setting the two of you up before, because nothing good can come from that conversation. Work on the here and now. I don’t think there’s anything to be embarrassed of if he should decide he didn’t want to date you. Yes, it would be disappointing, but at least you would know and not keep wondering what if.
All too often, I hear single ladies say, “I went to an event for 30- and 40-year-olds, and guys showed up in their 50s. Ughh.” Or they are only being redt to older fellows because younger fellows want to date younger women, not someone their own age. I can understand how they feel, as well. They don’t want a huge age gap and to feel as if they are dating someone closer to their parents’ age than theirs. And so, they close their minds off to the idea. I think you knowing him for years is a huge part of the reason you feel this way. But truthfully, it doesn’t matter.
Reach for the ball. Feel it in your hands. And then toss it into the universe in the direction you want. Let nature/Hashem take control after that. As a therapist, I heard several times that women who are assertive and take what they want are referred to as a “boss lady” or another type of lady that begins with a “b.” So what? Chanah, if you remain timid and shy, not going after what you want, you may miss out on the best parts of your life that you’ll never get to experience. And that can apply to everyone in every aspect of life. The first time you take the assertive step towards what you want may be the hardest. You’re in unchartered waters. But learn to swim. The more you assert yourself (in a nice way, not in a nasty way), the easier it will become, and it may lead to the type of person you become. If being assertive led you to something you want, why stop there? Keep doing it.
Go for the gold! Reach for the stars! And if you don’t make it the first time, take it as a learning experience for the next time. I believe in you. Don’t deny yourself the happiness you want with the person you want!
Keep me updated!
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..