Dear Goldy:

 I am looking to marry someone who will sit and learn for at least the first two or three years after we marry. If he wants more time, that can be discussed, but the first two years are really important to me. I use shadchanim that only redt shidduchim to girls like me and bachurim who want to learn after marriage.

I was just talking with a shadchan who has redt shidduchim for me in the past. But the last few shidduchim she redt were with bachurim who don’t want to learn more than a year or two after they get married. When the shidduch is redt, I assume that the bachur has qualities I’m looking for and vice versa. During the dates, I find out that after a couple of years they either want to go to college, to work, etc. That’s fine for them, but not for me. It’s not what I want. I just spoke with the shadchan, explaining that I wasn’t happy because she wasn’t finding me the type of guy I’m looking for. And that’s when she shocked me.

She said that wanting a chasan to learn for more than two years is “unrealistic,” and if I’m looking for someone who will work eventually, I shouldn’t delay it too long. She said that the bachurim also want to get started with their lives and not stay in yeshivah. What does that even mean? They are learning in yeshivah and want to learn after they get married, but they have a deadline? She asked if my parents can afford to support me and my chasan along with the other siblings I have at home and all the bills they have. That’s none of her business. My parents and I have discussed this. They support what I want. Why is the shadchan making me feel bad, like what I want is stupid and I’m being selfish by not thinking of my parents and younger siblings?

 Chana

*****

Thank you for the email, Chana.

I want you to know that I didn’t want to go out or marry a “learning boy.” It wasn’t for me. But I know plenty of girls who did, and everything seems to be working out. I want you to keep that in mind as you read my response; but I am taking my own interests out of the equation and looking at this with a blank slate, no backstory.

The shadchan may think that she has your best interests at heart, but I feel she overstepped the line. If a customer walks into to a jewelry store and asks for a ruby and diamond necklace, would the salesperson say, “Why don’t you take a look at our pearls? They are beautiful, too, but less expensive, so you’re actually saving money and getting a beautiful piece of jewelry at the same time.” No, you would not find salespeople ever saying that (especially if they receive commission).

If you have already had the discussion with your parents of what you want and they are supportive – end of discussion. The only reason I can think of for her not redting the type of bachur you’re looking for is that she may not have the inventory. Maybe she doesn’t have any profiles right now of bachurim who are looking to learn long-term after marriage. She still wants to help you and may not know that the long-term learning is that much of a deal breaker for you.

Do you remember in last week’s article when I said that you can’t please everyone all the time? It’s applicable here to your situation. Some people will agree that taking the first year or two or three to learn before going to school or work is fine, while others may call it ridiculous. But you have to do what’s right for you and not let anyone deter you from what you want. There are plenty of bachurim that want what you want. The shadchan with whom you spoke may not be the right one for you. It’s nice that she is concerned about your parents’ finances, but that’s not her job or concern (as long as your parents can pay the shadchanus).

This shadchan seems to be one of a few whom you use. You wrote, “I use shadchanim who only redt shidduchim...” Focus on the other shadchanim, who may have profiles of bachurim who are right for you. Take a break from this shadchan for a while. And if she ever says anything similar to what she said, thank her for her concern, but it’s not needed; and if she continues harping on this, you won’t be using her services again. That may get her attention. I don’t think she was intentionally trying to change your mind or shift your focus of what’s important to you, but she took a wrong turn when she begins to bring up concern for your parents’ bank account and telling you that your wants are unrealistic.

If this is what you want, go after it.

Hatzlachah to you all.

Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..