I’m here to help as best as I can, but sometimes I receive an email and think that the question or scenario given is made up. Maybe some of you are trying to see if I’ll take the bait and answer – and then want to see what I respond to these crazy questions just to have a laugh at my expense. I do my best to read through the emails received and decide which to respond to. Usually, if I see a few emails with the same theme, I’ll choose that, seeing that the topic is trending. Sometimes I will see an out-there type of question that I will take a chance and respond to – I have even written that I hope these letters are authentic but can’t be sure. Here are some emails with questions that I don’t think are authentic. If I am wrong, I apologize to the sender and please email the question again. But sometimes some of these questions just scream out at me, “You’re being punk’d.”
*****
Dear Goldy:
I agreed to go out with someone from a frum dating site. Our first couple of dates were good and then we begin discussing family. Turns out we’re related and never knew. What should we do? We never grew up knowing each other, but our parents know each other and there must be a reason why they never told us about our “long-lost cousins.”
My reason for thinking this isn’t real: Long-lost cousins? I’ve heard of cousins who actually know each other dating (and marrying), but in today’s age to have a long-lost cousin that both sets of parents never spoke of? And don’t these frum dating sites ask tons of familial questions, plus provide references that actually know the single? It just seems too fishy? Especially if both of them checked references. If they didn’t, then it may be possible, but I’m leaning towards not happening. And what was the reason the parents never told their children about the lost branch on the family tree? A family feud? It just seemed like there were too many questions here and not enough information to work with.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I’m dating someone that my cat seems to hate. Yes, you read correctly – my cat. From the first time he picked me up, my cat hissed at him. We’ve been dating for a while now and things haven’t gotten better. At first, I thought she was being territorial, but she’s never acted like this with anyone else. Do you think she knows that he may be my bashert and is jealous he will take her place in my heart? What should I do?
My reason for thinking this isn’t real: Now cats have ruach ha’kodesh? I know all about animal instincts and intuition, but this emailer seemed too invested in what her cat thinks than what she thinks she should do. BTW, I received this email a week before I received the letter published a few weeks ago about the woman who owns several animals.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I got into a minor car accident with someone. While exchanging information and agreeing to handle things without involving the police and insurance company, I decided to ask her out. Do you think this was a good idea? From the start, I know she isn’t 100 percent truthful because she isn’t reporting the accident, that she was at fault for. And just to throw it in there, she hasn’t full-out apologized for causing the accident in the first place. She seems nice otherwise.
My reason for thinking this isn’t real: This guy readily agreed not to report the incident either! The pot calling the kettle black. Plus, if he liked her, wouldn’t he forget about the apology because he is getting a date out of it and getting reimbursed for the damage. Besides, what are the chances of it actually happening?
*****
Dear Goldy:
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost six months. I’ve met his parents a couple of times. They’re nice and like me, or at least the dad does. Last week, when my boyfriend’s parents invited us for dinner at the house, his mom made foods I can’t eat. I’m allergic to anything dairy. I’m positive his mom knows about it. Even the salad had feta cheese in it! The soufflé had milk, and parmesan cheese was sprinkled onto the fish. I was able to scrape off the parmesan and pick out the cheese from my salad, but I feel like this was a message to me. The mother apologized for the mistake and blamed my boyfriend for not telling her about my “food issues,” although he knows about it. But why wouldn’t he say something if he knew what his mom was planning to cook or just tell her outright, “nothing dairy?”
I know this sounds crazy, but his mom didn’t look too sorry about it when she apologized. I would have looked much sorrier if I made an entire meal for someone and they couldn’t eat it. Do you think she’s trying to send me a message or something?
My reason for thinking this isn’t real: I can’t believe someone would do that on purpose to another, especially to a son’s girlfriend. And if the mother never liked her, wouldn’t she have picked up on that before she was six months into the relationship? I’m sure that the mom must have discussed the menu with her son or asked, “What does ____ like to eat?” And with so many allergies along with other food issues everyone seems to have, wouldn’t the mother have asked ahead of time if she had any food restrictions? Why would the mother send a subliminal message to her? Was it to say, “You don’t eat our food so you don’t fit in”? Just seems too convoluted.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I went out with a guy twice. On the second date, I asked about his actual birthday: month, day, year. I’m very much into astrology. When I got home, I did his chart. Our signs are not compatible. I did it twice. I can’t believe it. I was having such a good time with him, but you know what they say, “If it isn’t in the stars...” It’s so hard to find the right guy and now I know that this guy won’t work out. Any words of encouragement?
My reason for not publishing this letter: I won’t publish something I don’t believe in or that I think is “wrong.” I responded to the emailer, but in a very general way. I have to be very careful here. I know many people do believe in astrology and signs matching up. Truthfully, I don’t. I don’t think that the month and day you were born and if Venus was in centrifuge with the fourth moon of Saturn has anything to do with shidduchim. Personally, I was always taught not to believe in this along with reading your palm, tarot cards. I think that if you want a shidduch to work, you have to try your best at it. Don’t leave it up to the stars! When I was single, I spoke at a women’s event and was approached by someone afterwards. She offered her services, “free of charge” for me. When I would be redt to someone, she said I can call her and she’d map our charts out to see if it’ll work. Why waste time on a date with someone who’s not what you need or who you want, she told me. I thanked her, took her number (so as not to be rude) and then quickly lost it. Yes, people take this stuff seriously, but in my opinion, this is more for the secular world than the frum world. Hashem makes all shidduchim. But getting specific with this letter, here someone was dating someone with whom she was enjoying spending time. She has gotten to know him, and I think would continue dating him, but is going to break up with him because their charts don’t align? Can this attribute to why there is a “shidduch crisis”? Maybe it’s because instead of dating the person and judging his or her character and going with what your heart and head say, you follow the stars? She’s willing to end something real – I just don’t understand it.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..