Who’s the one who will bring you soup when you’re not feeling well? Soup is like duct tape. It fixes everything. You know what they say: Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once.
Who do you call when you’re having an awful, abysmal day? Hey, if you’re having a bad day, just remember that someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper. By the way, your track record for getting through bad days is 100 percent. So keep the faith.
Certainly, if you have a “friend” who manages to always find you when they need something – but is nowhere to be found when you do – you may become angry and hurt. Have you ever met someone who shows little to no interest in you at all? One-sided relationships tend to leave us feeling unbalanced, or even unglued at times.
If you let people in your life make more withdrawals than deposits, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account. The effort to keep your friendship or relationship alive and bolstered up should not fall only on you.
You shared with her that you are in the middle of a predicament or setback. Did she check on you later in the day or week, or did the conversations continue to revolve around her and her issues? Does he always manage to turn the discussion back to himself somehow? Does he ever entertain your opinion when you speak, or is he determined to always have things done his way?
Maybe she conveniently “forgets” that you made plans. Perhaps she is perennially late or seems annoyed when she finally does show up for you. Do you have friends who only take a liking to you simply for what you can do for them? Of course that can leave you feeling isolated and unconnected.
“I’m a gossip, or so I’ve heard.” Uh-oh. Have you heard the gossip about butter? Actually, nah, I shouldn’t spread it. The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next-door neighbor. Sometimes you trust someone with your story and innermost secrets only to find out that they shared it with others. No one deserves to have their trust shattered like that.
He never texts you first, and finally answers with as few words as possible. Ouch. Then again, you can have unlimited texting, with no one to text… “Just dropping you a line to see how not texting me back is going.” When you’re walking and texting, do you also walk more slowly and more slowly and more slowly till you’re just standing there texting? I get it.”
Hey, I just thought of a brand-new social network for kids. Ready for it? It’s called “Outside.” Perhaps you need to ease up on your texting if you feel neglected. If it doesn’t hurt your feelings, go right ahead and text away. But if you feel disregarded or dismissed, by all means, ask your friend why they don’t respond or shout back. Then again, maybe she shows up for you in other ways. Do not miss that, please.
Don’t automatically assume bad intentions behind behavior. Believe it or not, some people hate texting. You know you’re texting too much when you try to text, but you’re on a landline. You know you’re texting too much when you’re happy when you get stopped at a red light. Yup.
Perhaps you are always inviting, entertaining, and hosting your friends. Listen, I had to clean my house for two hours just to tell my guests: “Sorry for the mess.” Well, hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were. But seriously, you may want a tea break or a pause from entertaining. Share with your friends that you would love to be a guest for once.
If you have a trusting relationship, it’s okay to mention that you are always the one to invite and host. If that is not an option, you may wish to simply pull back and don’t put as much effort and energy into playing hostess.
Do not assume that she knows what you need or want at all times. Perhaps you told him you’re feeling lonesome tonight. He now has no idea. Do you want him to come right over, or do you simply want to be alone despite the doldrums? So please be straightforward.
If you truly wish to attach to others, you must risk sharing parts of yourself that make you feel quite vulnerable. Real safety is letting go of your armor. To allow yourself to be vulnerable with the right person is a show of strength. It’s all right to grow separately, so long as you do not grow apart. Find a friend who forces you to level up at times. Some parts of you may not even be born until that person in your life arrives.
Remember, sweet friends: It’s not what you have that matters; it’s whom you have. Choose someone who inspires you. They are, after all, your chosen family.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.