President Trump understands the importance of branding. His new website for reduced-price prescription drugs is known as Trump Rx. Likewise, investment accounts for children created by the One Big Beautiful Bill are called Trump accounts. These apply to only certain individuals.
But there is one thing that everyone needs: a bathroom. It is a widespread problem, especially in many cities, that there are not enough accessible toilets. The president has issued an executive order to address the problem. It is called Toilet Regulation Under Municipal Participation. It will be known as TRUMP Toilets. Every toilet will be gold-plated, and each stall will have a picture of Trump’s mugshot. While sitting on the toilet, you can spend your time looking at Trump’s picture and thinking about all the magnificent things that our leader Trump has done to make this country great again. It gives a new meaning to the phrase “Dump Trump.”
The toilets will only be placed in municipalities that have Republican leadership. Also, to use the toilets, you must be a citizen. To make sure that non-citizens are unable to use the toilets, you need to use a TRUMP card, which has a picture of him sitting on a toilet in the White House. To obtain the TRUMP card, you need to go to a Homeland Security office and present proof of citizenship. If you come to Homeland Security with a work permit or any other document allowing you to stay in the country short of being a citizen, ICE will grab you and send you on the next jet to any country besides the one you came from.
Another area that needs branding—or in this case, rebranding—is ICE. The new name is going to be Ice Cream. Also, when ICE must go into town en masse like they did in Minneapolis, it is now going to be announced as “the circus is coming to town.” Then Krusty the Clown Noem will lead them in a clown suit. The ICE agents will still be masked but will use theater masks with a smiley face and a sad face.
FBI Director Kash Patel announced that the FBI is no longer the Federal Bureau of Investigation. It will now stand for Friends, Buddies, and Introverts. If you are a friend of the President, you are a friend of the FBI, no matter what island you have been to. EPA Director Chemical Leak Zeldin, after spending the morning smelling the air from a “clean” coal-burning plant, announced that EPA is no longer the Environmental Protection Agency since there is no need to protect the environment. Pollution is a hoax. EPA now stands for Everyone Please Agree.
The Department of War is not going to be changed back to its original name, the Department of Defense, which is too strong. It will be known as the Department of PIECE. This aligns with the new policy, as done in Venezuela, that the USA will keep a government in power if we have a piece of the action—which, in Venezuela, is the oil.
The Department of Justice will be known as the Trump Lawyers Group. There is no one in the history of our country who has upheld the rule of law and the Constitution more than Trump. Also, DOJ has been acting as Trump’s personal lawyer, so it makes sense to change the name to fit the reality.
Trump said that MAGA—“Make America Great Again”—is no longer applicable because in one year Trump has made America greater than it has ever been. Even the strongest Trump supporters in their wildest dreams could not have imagined how much Trump would have accomplished in such a brief time. Instead, MAGA will be used in another context. Trump remembered when he was growing up in Jamaica Estates and there were ten trees on his block. Even in West Palm Beach there are fewer trees every year. He issued an executive order to Make America Green Again (MAGA) with trees.
Bruce Springsteen, who is known as “the Boss,” had a number-one song protesting the killings of Renee Good and Alex Pretti in Minnesota. Trump decided that if Springsteen, who only sells records, is known as the Boss, as the leader of the free world, Trump should be known as the MOB (Magnificent, Outstanding, Brilliant) BOSS.
The bottom line is that it is all about branding. Trump has spent his life branding himself and his family with enormous success. That is all that is needed in order to show those who suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome, such as that radical columnist Warren Hecht, the folly of their ways.