For many couples living in West Hempstead, their careers have been established and they earned their home in the suburbs, but within themselves an emotional void developed, as work, parenting, and daily responsibilities leave little time for spouses to focus on each other. Perhaps that’s why, when the House of Torah shul recently hosted Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier of the Shmuz lecture series, the room was packed, and he was warmly welcomed by his talmid Rabbi Avichai Bensoussan.
“The yardstick by which we will be judged is the relationship by which we relate to our spouses,” he said. “Rav Shafier is a global phenomenon, bli ayin ha’ra. I’ve observed Rabbi Shafier since I was a child. He has dedicated his life to uplifting klal Yisrael.”
Rabbi Bensoussan, the rav of House of Torah, West Hempstead’s Sephardic shul, has known Rabbi Shafier as his rebbi at the Rochester yeshivah, and they’ve kept in touch over the years, as the mentor developed the popular Shmuz podcast while Rabbi Bensoussan leads this growing congregation. The rav welcomed the audience to this inaugural lecture, planned with the renowned Chazaq Organization, where he learned in their Kew Gardens Hills-based kollel program, Beis Nosson Meir, under the tutelage of HaGaon Rav Aharon Walkin zt”l, its founding Rosh HaYeshivah.
“He speaks with sincerity. Integrated with the right stories, the right science, the right research that makes it perhaps more understandable,” he said.
“In 1901, the divorce rate in us was six percent. Today, it’s 50 percent. What changed? In the secular world, the idea of marriage for life is almost unheard of,” Rabbi Shafier said. “We live in a world where everything is disposable, and so, too, is marriage. The idea of a starter marriage is accepted, and it is a sad reality. Everything is about you and then it is about we.”
Rabbi Shafier said that marriage is not a cure for preexisting conditions, and people should not enter a union with the illusion that it would solve their problems. “There are so many unwholesome and emotionally fragile people. Marriage will not cure that. Marriage cures only one thing, and that’s being single. I’ve counseled hundreds, now thousands, of couples. They’re a match made in heaven living in Gehinnom. People no longer understand how to be married.”
Referring to Parshas VaEira, he spoke of the relationship of Avraham and Sarah. “In the course of history, there was never a bond of marriage as strong as Avraham and Sarah.” But when she laughed that her husband was too old to be a father, Rashi commented that Hashem changed the text to say that Sarah thought of herself as too old, so as not to offend Avraham, even by a tiny amount.
“What is the leading cause of divorce today? Fighting. It’s never the issues; it’s how the couple deals with the issues. It’s the climate of the relationship. It doesn’t take much to burn down the house. Seventy percent of successful marriages have one irreconcilable difference. Somehow, they work it out. We’re in this together; find a way to work this out.”
Like many marriage counselors and therapists, Rabbi Shafier quoted noted expert Dr. John Gottman, who claims to have 94 percent accuracy in predicting whether a couple is going to divorce.
“He puts monitors on both of them, asks them to discuss neutral, mutually pleasing, and flashpoint topics. He watches for one single thing – contempt. Not anger but rolling of the eyes. That couple is headed for deep trouble.”
Concerning popular views on marriage, “Hollywood got it right: Love is the glue of the marriage; but where they got it wrong is that love is built. Rashi writes that Avraham and Sarah had a near-perfect marriage. If Avraham had heard that he’s too old, maybe it would’ve caused, maybe, a tiny scratch [in the marriage].”
Rabbi Shafier then provided an example that is too typical of the calls that he receives. “Rabbi, I have a problem. I don’t love him. I have five kids.” He asks the woman when the last time was that they went out. “Don’t you understand that you’re like two ships in the night. Very distant and incredibly apart. Number one in really dumb things.” He advises vacations, love notes, and affectionate texts as remedies.
“I turn to the men. Are you ready to romance your wife? It is a husband’s role. You plan the date. Just plan the date.”
He quoted the Steipler Gaon: “The main hope of a woman in the world is to have a husband who loves her. To not have it crushes her spirit. It’s a matter of pikuach nefesh.”
He notes the pushback to the advice: “Who can afford it? Who has the time? Once a week? It’s very expensive. But how expensive is it to hire a divorce lawyer and alimony expenses? You don’t have time, how about running two households? It’s the biggest investment in your family,” he said of going out on a date with one’s spouse.
“The single biggest competitor for your marriage is your children,” who need parental assistance with homework. “Your marriage is gravity for your children,” with divorce as the loss of that ground on which children stand.
“I gave a couple the assignment to go out. Only two out of 50 went out. I invented a term, relationship anorexia. It’s so easy to cure.”
When speaking to one another, “respect comes first. You have to speak respectfully,” he said. “Are we more polite with strangers? Are we quicker to accept the opinion of strangers? Work on respect. Take a recorder: Listen if you’re polite with your spouse.”
Nearly an hour into Rabbi Shafier’s lecture, it became clear that the spouse’s thoughts come from their experiences, not yours. Whether it is a fear of something, reasons for certain actions, or appearance. “Who was right is a terrible question to ask in marriage. The question to ask is what was she experiencing?”
“Women talk to create a relationship, to bring you into their world. Men talk about politics, business, learning.”
There is much more to learn from Rabbi Shafier’s blend of Torah, anecdotes from experience, and professional opinions.
Rabbi Shafier’s book, 10 Really Dumb Mistakes That Very Smart Couples Make, was first published in 2021, and it remains a top source for relationship advice – from those engaged to marry to couples who’ve lived for decades together.
By Sergey Kadinsky